OAK: Hello, and welcome back to WPKM's continuing coverage of the Pokemon League's Battle of the Champions: Fuck, I versus Sandy. I'm Sam Oak, and with me as always is DJ Mary. Mary, can you tell us what's been going on down there at Ever Grande City?
MARY: Well, Professor, our champions have retired to their hotel rooms for the night to get some needed rest and time away from this roaring crowd to begin to strategize for the upcoming battle. They've just selected their team, saw what kind of opposition they will have to face, and now they need to process all of that lovely data Professor Elm's computer was able to show us and come up with an effective game-plan to ensure victory. With us now to help us take in all those statistics and come up with some predictions for the upcoming contest is Littleroot, Hoenn's own Professor Daniel Birch!
BIRCH: I am...just...so happy...to be on television.
OAK: So, Dan, I'm sure all of our viewers can understand, in at least the most rudimentary sense, where the strengths and weaknesses are for our champions' Pokemon, but there are sure to be some very interesting and complicated equations necessary to process all of these Pokemon's battle statistics, species attributes, and the base attack power differentials between the various offensive and defensive type pairing...about which we'd love to hear more about.
BIRCH: Nope.
OAK: Wait, what? What do you mean, "nope?"
BIRCH: About the equations. There aren't really any...not ones that I know of, anyway.
OAK: But how do you intend on providing our viewers with accurate predictions for the upcoming matches if you don't know how to interpret the data fully?
BIRCH: Improvise.
OAK: But--but we're broadcasting live! I'm able to go off the cuff about basics, sure, but you're just planning on winging it and hoping everything goes swimmingly?!
BIRCH: Yep.
OAK: Guhhh...well, got on with it, then. I really wish we had a public education system to teach our kids things besides just Pokemon training...like algebra.
BIRCH: Okey-dokey! Let's look at these numbers...wow, these are a lot of numbers! Let's start off by looking at the teams as a whole. Let's pretend the trainers are actually Pokemon with the stats of all their Pokemon combined.
SANDY
AVERAGE HP: 223.833
AVERAGE ATTACK: 150.333
AVERAGE DEFENSE: 133.833
AVERAGE SPCL. ATK.: 187.167
AVERAGE SPCL. DEF.: 162.333
AVERAGE SPEED: 172.833
FUCK, I
AVERAGE HP: 225.833
AVERAGE ATTACK: 178.167
AVERAGE DEFENSE: 157.833
AVERAGE SPCL. ATK.: 180.833
AVERAGE SPCL. DEF.: 165.000
AVERAGE SPEED: 187.000
BIRCH: So, if you looked at them side-by-side with these averages, you can tell which trainer's team is stronger with what. Each Pokemon on Fuck, I's team only has about 2 Hit Points on average more than the Pokemon on Sandy's team, so when it comes to receiving damage, these teams should be fairly even. However, it's clear who has a slight advantage when it comes to straight numbers; Fuck, I has the upper hand with the higher average Attack stat by 27.834 points, the higher average Defense stat by roughly 24 points, the higher average Speed stat by 2.667 points, and the higher average Special Defense stat by 2.667 points as well. Believe it or not, even with Mewtwo on Fuck, I's team, Sandy is still leading with the average Special Attack stat by 6.334 points.
BIRCH: Mewtwo was a very strong choice for Fuck, I in the long run, since its stats single-handedly improved nearly every individual average battle statistic for his team; the average Hit Points went up by 9.433 points, the average Attack stat went up by 4.167 points, the average Defense stat went up by 1.033 points, the average Speed stat went up by 0.4 points, and the average Special Attack stat went up by a whopping 14.033 points. All Fuck, I needed to do was sacrifice an average 0.8 points to his average Special Defense stat and he had himself a much stronger team. I'd have to say that if Sandy wanted to gain a substantial advantage in the following battles, he's going to need to take out Mewtwo and fast, and his best option may also prove to be the riskiest. Mewtwo's lowest stat is his Special Defense at 161 points, and Mewtwo is weak to Ghost-type attacks; therefore, if Sandy hits Mewtwo with Alakazam, he'll have the best shot at victory. Alakazam has got the second highest Special Attack stat of any of the twelve Pokemon on the battlefield at 230 points; furthermore, he knows the Ghost-type move Shadow Ball which, although may only have a base power of 80, also has the 20% chance of lowering the target's Special Defense by one whole stage, in addition to doing to doing damage of course. Fuck, I only has two ways to somewhat effectively counter this strategy. Firstly, he can force Mewtwo to continuously use the move Recover to heal from any damage Shadow Ball might cause, since Mewtwo can perform that move roughly twenty times in a battle before becoming exhausted while this Alakazam can probably only perform Shadow Ball eighteen times maximum over the course of the fight; yet, the more times Shadow Ball hits, the more likely it will be that it will drop Mewtwo's Special Defense stat, making every successive hit from that attack stronger than the last. The other option is for Mewtwo to try to take Alakazam out quickly with Hyper Beam, a massively powerful attack with a base power of 150 points that will surely make use of the tremendous 71 Hit Point advantage Mewtwo has over Alakazam; on the other hand, this tactic comes with the risk that even if the attack hits despite it's 90% accuracy rating, Mewtwo would need to take time to recharge before attacking again, opening Mewtwo up to twice as many Shadow Ball attacks before being able to react. Both Pokemon have moves that will increase their Defense stats, but since the majority of their duel would be dealing with Special Attack and Special Defense stats, I wouldn't waste time using that move if the fight came down to Alakazam and Mewtwo.
MARY: Wow, Professor Birch! If that's what you call an improvised analysis, then I'd love to see what you consider "prepared", because that was spectacular!
OAK: I--I really misjudged you, Daniel. Well done--
BIRCH: Also, since Alakazam is male and Mewtwo has no gender, Fuck, I can safely have Mewtwo target Alakazam's genitals for maximum debilitation!
OAK: GAH! He just said "genitals" on live global television! GAAAAH!! I just said "genitals" on live global television!!!
BIRCH: Tee hee!
MARY: Well, Professor Birch, what can you tell us about the other Pokemon involved in this upcoming battle? What sort of chances do each of them stand at outlasting their opponents?
BIRCH: Well, the teams on the whole are fairly well-balanced and equal in strength, but when it boils down to one-on-one match-ups, we're going to see some serious handicaps. First, let's take a look at Fuck, I's first selection. His choice was Kabutops, the Rock/Water-type Pokemon. He's a very strong Pokemon when it comes to Attack and Defense, but his Special Attack and Special Defense are significantly lower and that is exactly where Sandy will need to him him. If Sandy had chosen a Pokemon with a Grass-type move, it would be massively effective, but since he did not, his best choices to take down Kabutops would have to be Feraligatr. Ampharos' Thunder has a power rating of 120 points and will strike directly at Kabutops' Special Defense; however, the 70% accuracy rating would prove problematic, as would Ampharos' somewhat low Defense stat, which is exactly where Kabutops would strike with either Slash or Submission. Although Magmar's DynamicPunch would have the wallop to knock out Kabutops cold, it's a coin toss over whether or not it will actually hit and Magmar would only have the energy to try that attack five times over the entire match-up; furthermore, Magmar's Defense stat is even lower than Ampharos', meaning Kabutops has a serious advantage. Feraligatr's Earthquake is the way to go here with a power rating of 100 points and an impeccable accuracy; also, since Water-type attacks would have only half the effect on Feraligatr, Kabutops will have to strike physically, meaning attacking Feraligatr's highest stat, which puts Sandy at the disadvantage. Therefore, in a match-up against Sandy's Pokemon, we predict Kabutops to be victorious against Jynx, Pidgeot or Magmar, even with Ampharos, and defeated by Feraligatr or Alakazam.
MARY: That's a very thorough evaluation of the situation! I would have never expected the best bet against a Water-type would be another Water-type.
BIRCH: You see, Sandy was very smart in making many of his Pokemon learn moves very contrary to their type, often times selecting moves that are meant to take out Pokemon of a type strong against his Pokemon's type. Take Feraligatr for example: knowing Earthquake and Ice Punch means he'll never have to worry about Electric-type or Grass-type Pokemon, respectively. Flying-types may prove slightly trickier, since although they are susceptible to Ice Punch, they are utterly immune to Earthquake. It's because of this that Zapdos is going to have to be the way to go for Fuck, I. Zapdos may be weak to Ice Punch, but Fuck, I can gain a quick advantage by paralyzing Feraligatr with Thunder Wave and going in for the kill with Thunder. Articuno would be a solid choice to survive the fight, seeing as how none of Feraligatr's attacks other than Return would prove effective, but the choice to win is Zapdos. We predict Feraligatr to be victorious against Kabutops, Dugtrio, or Charizard, equal with Articuno, and defeated by Zapdos or Mewtwo.
MARY: I'd imagine it'd be very difficult to try to take down Sandy's legendary Pokemon, especially after what you've told us about Mewtwo and what few choices Sandy has to beat it.
BIRCH: Well, of course...that's why they're "legendary" Pokemon. Zapdos is a tough nut to crack; however, it isn't impossible. Since Ampharos only knows Electric-type moves and that will only prove to have average effectiveness against Zapdos, Sandy's gonna have to stick with Jynx. Jynx is only slightly slower than Zapdos, so one good hit with Icy Wind may change Zapdos' ability to act first. Jynx's only problem is her very weak Defense stat, which Zapdos' Drill Peck would be able to pierce right through. We predict Zapdos will be victorious against Pidgeot or Ampharos, equal with Magmar, Alakazam and Feraligatr, and defeated by Jynx. When it comes to Articuno, however, it's the exact opposite. Sandy needs to stick with Ampharos, since Ice-type attacks won't be as good against Articuno; however, Magmar is also a very good choice. Although he has less chances to use a Fire-type attack than Ampharos does an Electric-type attack, Magmar has overall better accuracy with his attacks than Ampharos does, and Sunny Day will make up for that difference in power of attacks. We predict Articuno to be victorious against Pidgeot or Alakazam, equal with Feraligatr and Jynx, and defeated by Ampharos or Magmar.
MARY: I've noticed that Fuck, I had brought in three Pokemon who are Flying-types, but Sandy only brought one. Why is that?
BIRCH: Flying-types are very easy to exploit for their weaknesses, but they serve as game-changers against strong Grass-type, Bug-type, Fighting-type, and Ground-type Pokemon. Since Fuck, I did not choose to bring in his Parasect, Hitmonlee, or Scyther, Sandy must have chosen Pidgeot to fight Dugtrio. Dugtrio has only Ground-type attacks and Slash, so Dugtrio will be pigeonholed for this match-up unless Fuck, I decides to weaken Pidgeot's accuracy with Sand-Attack. Meanwhile, Every attack Pidgeot can make can hit Dugtrio for regular damage, so if she ends up using Sand-Attack first, Dugtrio won't be able to hit with Slash and Pidgeot will be open to beat on Dugtrio all day long. However, Dugtrio has a very weak chance against Feraligatr or Jynx as well. Dugtrio was really only brought in to make sure Ampharos can be blocked from inflicting massive amounts of damage. We predict Pidgeot to be victorious against Dugtrio, equal with Charizard and Kabutops, but defeated by Fuck, I's legendary Pokemon. Meanwhile, we predict that Dugtrio will be victorious against Ampharos or Magmar, equal with Alakazam, but defeated by Feraligatr, Jynx, or Pidgeot. I would say that Dugtrio and Pidgeot are the weak links in both teams they are a part of, but are by no means to be dismissed as weak Pokemon.
MARY: We can all pretty much fill in the gaps from here, Professor. I'm fairly certain that Feraligatr is going to be the way to go against Charizard, naturally and Charizard is going to be the way to go against Jynx, but I'm very curious about Sandy's Alakazam. You've said that he's the best shot against Mewtwo, but all of the Pokemon in the Abra line are generally considered to be glass cannons, so to speak. How do you think this recently-evolved Pokemon will fair against the other Pokemon on FUck, I's team?
BIRCH: Alakazam does have a weaker Defense stat and very low Hit Points by comparison to the rest of his team, but sometimes a very high Speed and Special Attack stat is all you really need. I am confident that Alakazam can handle nearly any Pokemon on the field, provided Sandy is careful and uses Reflect wisely to increase Alakazam's defensive capabilities. We can't truly predict how Alakazam will fair, however, since luck plays a big role in these kinds of battles anyway, but I'm still confident that he can beat at least half of Fuck, I's team on his own.
MARY: Thank you for all of your insight, Professor Birch. Professor Oak?
OAK: I can't believe I said "genitals" on live television...
MARY: I...guess he's still brooding over that. Professor Elm, is there anything you'd like to say before we end our broadcast for today?
ELM: Nope.
MARY: ...alright then.
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MARY: Oh, I'm doing the sign-off now? Well, I'm DJ Mary, signing from Ever Grande City on behalf of WPKM and their coverage of Fuck, I's battle against Sandy. Stay classy, Poke-maniacs!
