Prologue Part II: Choose Your Weapons

OAK:   Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! Professor Samuel Oak here for WPKM and we're going to bring you live to the field where Fuck, I and Sandy, the only two undefeated Pokemon League Champions, are about to select their six Pokemon apiece for their upcoming battle.  We go to DJ Mary on the field.  Mary?

MARY:   Thank you, Professor! Until this point, our two champions have not been given any information as to the contents of their opponent's PC boxes, meaning unless they used a Pokemon in a league-sanctioned battle, such as a gym badge challenge or a challenge against the Elite Four, they won't have any idea of what exactly is in their opponent's choice pool.  Both of these champions have been known to be fairly unpredictable in their battle strategies, so we can expect literally anything to happen--

MARY:   It appears as though the coin toss has just been conducted to determine who gets the advantage in the selection process--

MARY:   Professor, we have confirmation that Fuck, I has won the coin toss and has elected to choose second during the selection process, meaning that he will have the distinct advantage of being able to select Pokemon responsively in order to ensure type-advantages; furthermore, he will make the final selection of the draft, meaning Sandy could be in a lot of trouble if Fuck, I makes a big choice to be his closer.

MARY:   It looks like...yes! Sandy has selected his first Pokemon!

POKEMON:  Magmar (L70, male)

TYPE:  Fire

HP:  201

ATTACK:  180

DEFENSE:  127

SPCL. ATK.:  184

SPCL. DEF.:  163

SPEED:  184

Moves

Fire Punch (PP 15)

Sunny Day (PP 5)

Flamethrower (PP 15)

DynamicPunch (PP 5)

OAK:   Ah, an excellent choice for Sandy! Magmar has two very strong Fire-type attacks, including Sunny Day, which will make those attacks even stronger; however, if either Sandy or Fuck, I have a Pokemon that knows Solar Beam, Sunny Day will help expedite that move's charge time.  We've seen this Magmar in battle against Jasmine of Olivine City and against the Elite Four, so we know what to expect from this champion Pokemon.  I also notice that Sandy has sacrificed Magmar's Fire Blast in exchange for Fire Punch, which is a wise choice; Fire Blast is not a very accurate attack and it's also a very exhausting attack for Pokemon to perform, so down-grading to Fire Punch will keep Magmar in the fight for longer and doing more damage overall.

MARY:   It looks like Fuck, I has just made his first selection as well!

POKEMON:  Kabutops (L70, male)

TYPE:  Rock/Water

HP:  195

ATTACK:  205

DEFENSE:  180

SPCL. ATK.:  133

SPCL. DEF.:  140

SPEED:  155

Moves

Slash (PP 20)

Harden (PP 30)

Surf (PP 15)

Submission (PP 25)

OAK:   Now, this is an unexpected choice to say the least! Fuck, I brought Kabutops along when he challenged Blaine of Cinnabar Island, but it never saw battle.  This is a very strategic choice to challenge Sandy's Magmar.  Kabutops is a Rock/Water-type Pokemon, meaning Fire-type attacks only do a quarter of the damage they normally would.  This is going to force Sandy to rely heavily on Magmar's DynamicPunch, which is a powerful attack that should prove super-effective against Kabutops, but it is a very inaccurate move.  Furthermore, with Harden in Kabutops' repertoire, that should strengthen his defenses against that attack should it hit.  A very good selection; however, if Magmar executes Sunny Day, that will greatly weaken Kabutops' only Water-type attack.

MARY:   Sandy has just responded with his second Pokemon choice, and it's already raising a lot of questions from the crowds.

POKEMON:  Ampharos (L70, male)

TYPE:  Electric

HP:  247

ATTACK:  161

DEFENSE:  143

SPCL. ATK.:  210

SPCL. DEF.:  175

SPEED:  130

Moves

Thunderpunch (PP 15)

Flash (PP 20)

Thunder (PP 10)

Zap Cannon (PP 5)

OAK:   Despite the expected confusion from the crowd, this is a solid choice.  It is a common misconception that Rock-type Pokemon are immune to Electric-type attacks, but in fact, they are just as susceptible to Electric-type attacks as Normal-type Pokemon.  Ampharos will have the type-advantage, but at a slight cost; Thunder and Zap Cannon are very powerful Electric-type attacks, but they have less-than-stellar accuracies.  If Sandy wants to inflict consistent damage, he'll have to stick to Thunderpunch.  However, this Ampharos, which has been a staple in Sandy's party since he left Violet City, has been known to defy the odds and deliver the knock-out punches when the stakes were high.

MARY:   Professor, Fuck, I has made another selection and it is another stellar choice!

POKEMON:  Dugtrio (L70, male)

TYPE:  Ground

HP:  155

ATTACK:  166

DEFENSE:  107

SPCL. ATK.:  105

SPCL. DEF.:  133

SPEED:  207

Moves

Slash (PP 20)

Sand-Attack (PP 15)

Dig (PP 12)

Earthquake (PP 10)

OAK:   Fuck, I is not pulling any punches today! Dugtrio effectively neutralizes any offensive capabilities Ampharos would have had, and its two powerful Ground-type attacks will prove super-effective against both Ampharos and Magmar.  Furthermore, a high speed and Dig, which renders Dugtrio invulnerable to attack for a short while, is a deadly combination, as Lieutenant Surge of Vermillion City certainly learned when this Pokemon single-handedly swept his team and secured the Thunderbadge for Fuck, I.

MARY:   Sandy is just about to lock in his third Pokemon, Professor, and he seems very pleased with himself about this one.

POKEMON:  Pidgeot (L70, female)

TYPE:  Normal/Flying

HP:  245

ATTACK:  161

DEFENSE:  145

SPCL. ATK.:  145

SPCL. DEF.:  145

SPEED:  175

Moves

Wing Attack (PP 35)

Sand-Attack (PP 15)

Fly (PP 15)

Steel Wing (PP 25)

OAK:   Now, you see, this is where we get to see Sandy's mind work like a true Pokemon master.  By choosing Pidgeot, Sandy has really taken a lot of the sting off of Dugtrio, since Ground-type moves cannot affect Flying-type Pokemon.  All Dugtrio has against Pidgeot is his Slash attack, and that's probably what Sandy is counting on: reducing a Dugtrio-Pidgeot battle to an exchange of physical attacks.  Dugtrio has the upper hand in Speed and Attack, but Pidgeot has it's number when it comes to Defense and HP.  All Pidgeot would have to do in this case is outlast Dugtrio, which I think she's more than capable of doing.  After all, Pidgeot was a major factor when Sandy defeated Bruno of the Elite Four, and if you want to go up against the best of the Fighting-type trainers, you'll need Pokemon with endurance--

MARY:   I hate to interrupt you, Professor, but we've just witnessed a very exciting new development here in the field! WPKM can officially confirm that Fuck, I will  be bringing Zapdos into the battle!

POKEMON:  Zapdos (L70, gender unknown)

TYPE:  Electric/Flying

HP:  247

ATTACK:  160

DEFENSE:  163

SPCL. ATK.:  220

SPCL. DEF.:  171

SPEED:  187

Moves

Drill Peck (PP 20)

Light Screen (PP 30)

Thunder (PP 12)

Thunder Wave (PP 20)

OAK:   I cannot say that I'm surprised by this choice; Zapdos was crucial in securing the victory over many of the Elite Four and, quite famously, Sabrina of Saffron City.  Bringing a legendary Pokemon into battles has been something of a trademark of Fuck, I, even though in his first attempt at the Elite Four Challenge, Sandy had registered a roster that included both Lugia and Entei.  I cannot confirm nor deny the rumors that he is in possession of Suicune, Raikou, and Ho-Oh as well, but this may end up proving to be a major error on Fuck, I's part.  Firstly, Magmar has already been locked in as one of Sandy's roster, and with Sunny Day potentially limiting Zapdos' Thunder attack to 50% accuracy, that tips the odds of a battle between Magmar and Zapdos in favor of Sandy.  Secondly, Sandy has gone three for three on selecting Pokemon that were a part of the team he used to beat the Elite Four; I sincerely doubt that Sandy is going to complete his roster selection without choosing either his Jynx or his Feraligatr, both equipped with Ice-type attacks that could spell an early end for Zapdos.

MARY:   Professor, I can hardly believe it! You nailed it right on the head with this one; Sandy has just selected his Jynx as his fourth Pokemon, presumably to combat Zapdos, just like you said!

POKEMON:  Jynx (L70, female)

TYPE:  Ice/Psychic

HP:  200

ATTACK:  109

DEFENSE:  91

SPCL. ATK.:  203

SPCL. DEF.:  175

SPEED:  182

Moves

Icy WInd (PP 15)

Lovely Kiss (PP 10)

Ice Punch (PP 15)

Blizzard (PP 10)

OAK:   I figured Sandy would want to use Jynx, since Jynx was instrumental in unseating Lance from his title as Pokemon League Champion.  Furthermore, since Dugtrio is a pure Ground-type Pokemon, this will pack a double-whammy against Fuck, I, especially if Jynx uses Lovely Kiss to lull Zapdos to sleep for long enough to unleash a powerful Blizzard attack.  With this fast little lady on Sandy's side, and with such a high rating for Special Attack and Special Defense, Fuck, I will either need to hammer away at Jynx using Kabutops' Slash attack, or he'll have to throw in a Fire-type to gain a significant offensive advantage, but if he plans on going in that direction, he'll have to be careful about his choice.

MARY:   Fuck, I seems very reluctant about this next choice, but he selects his fourth Pokemon and--

MARY:   There's no surprise here, ladies and gentlemen! Fuck, I has finally locked in his first ever Pokemon for the battle! You heard it here, folks: there will be a Charizard on the field of battle.

POKEMON:  Charizard (L70, male)

TYPE:  Fire/Flying

HP:  222

ATTACK:  170

DEFENSE:  145

SPCL. ATK.:  178

SPCL. DEF.:  165

SPEED:  180

Moves

Flamethrower (PP 15)

Slash (PP 20)

Fire Blast (PP 5)

Strength (PP 15)

OAK:   Now, this is what I was saying just moments ago.  Fuck, I needed to be very careful about this choice if he wanted to take down Jynx with a Fire-type, and albeit he's loved his Charizard ever since I first gave it to him, he's risking a lot by throwing him into the mix.  He's negated the defensive type-advantage he had over the Ice-type attacks of Jynx, since Charizard is also a Flying-type Pokemon, but also, this opens him up to all of Ampharos' damage-dealing attacks now operating at 200% strength.  If I were Sandy, I would lock in Feraligatr right now to put the pressure on Fuck, I.  That way, Dugtrio, Kabutops, Zapdos, and Charizard would have two very powerful Pokemon with offensive type-advantage.

MARY:   I think he might have heard you, Professor, because he's doing exactly what you said he should! Both of our Champions' starter Pokemon are going to be in this historic battle!

POKEMON:  Feraligatr (L70, male)

TYPE:  Water

HP:  248

ATTACK:  186

DEFENSE:  187

SPCL. ATK.:  151

SPCL. DEF.:  156

SPEED:  161

Moves

Return (PP 20)

Ice Punch (PP 15)

Surf (PP 15)

Earthquake (PP 10)

OAK:   We're looking at a game-changer right here, Mary.  First off, let's take a look at this move-set: Earthquake is a major threat to Kabutops with a great accuracy and an offensive type-advantage, Ice Punch has caught a lot of gym-leaders and members of the Elite Four off-guard and this could pose a dangerous gambit for Zapdos, Fuck, I is going to be sweating putting his Charizard in with Surf somewhere on the table, and even if Dugtrio can fight off both an Ice Punch and a Surf Attack, Feraligatr comes packed with Return, an especially powerful attack, considering the fact it gets stronger  as the bond between trainer and Pokemon gets stronger.  Losing Hydro Pump in favor of this move was definitely a display of championship judgment on Sandy's part.

MARY:   We're cutting down to the wire, Poke-maniacs! Fuck, I has only two Pokemon left to select, and Sandy is facing his final roster assignment in the next round of selection! Fuck, I started off very strongly with his choices, favoring defensive type-advantage over offensive type-advantage and being ruthless with his choices, but it would seem as though the tides have turned and--

MARY:   Oh! Fuck, I has made a rather unexpected choice that is leaving many in the stands puzzling, but this bout is sure to be legendary if he's got anything to say about it!

POKEMON:  Articuno (L70, gender unknown)

TYPE:  Ice/Flying

HP:  243

ATTACK:  169

DEFENSE:  189

SPCL. ATK.:  178

SPCL. DEF.:  220

SPEED:  178

Moves

Fly (PP 15)

Mist (PP 20)

Ice Beam (PP 10)

Blizzard (PP 5)

OAK:   It's a peculiar choice, no doubt, but I think I know what's going through Fuck, I's head.  Maybe this is part psychological warfare: Fuck, I used Articuno to gain a massive foothold in his Elite Four battle against former champion Lance, and perhaps he's sending the message that Articuno can wipe the floor clean with Sandy just as easily as it did with Lance.  Honestly, though, I think Fuck, I is getting a little worried.  Articuno certainly has some of the highest battle-stats of all the Pokemon in the field today, but it's on his Special Defense stat that we need to focus.  That's a whopping 220, easily the highest Special Defense we've seen yet from either side, and I think Fuck, I is bringing Articuno into the mix in order to take more of the damage than use it as an offensive force.  You can also see that Articuno forgot the move Peck in favor for Mist, which will prevent any of Sandy's Pokemon from lowering any of Articuno's stats for a time; this is just further proof that Articuno is going to be serving as an anchor here.

MARY:   Professor, I'd just like to point out that Sandy has only one Pokemon left to choose, and because Articuno can probably meet its match in either Ampharos or Magmar, Sandy has a lot of freedom here to choose a Pokemon that he feels could handle any of the Pokemon Fuck, I has brought to the table so far.

OAK:   Right you are, Mary; Sandy definitely has some liberties here in this final round--

MARY:   Hold that thought! We've just had a stunning surprise here at Ever Grande! It turns out that, against most speculation, Sandy will not be using the same team he used when he finally defeated the Elite Four and became Pokemon League Champion! This is very unexpected, but take a look at the monitor here; I don't think you'll believe it!

POKEMON:  Alakazam (L70, male)

TYPE:  Psychic

HP:  202

ATTACK:  113

DEFENSE:  110

SPCL. ATK.:  230

SPCL. DEF.:  160

SPEED:  205

Moves

Psybeam (PP 20)

Reflect (PP 20)

Psychic (PP 12)

Shadow Ball (PP 18)

OAK:   That certainly is a surprise! Sandy's Kadabra finally evolved into an Alakazam, and boy oh boy did his Special Attack value skyrocket! We're looking at 230 as the highest Special Attack value on either side, and we're also looking at the first Pokemon to appear with Psychic-type attacks or Ghost-type attacks.  You don't usually see Psychic-type Pokemon with Ghost-type moves, but that's what enabled Sandy to get a distinct advantage over Psychic-type trainers such as Will of the Elite Four and Sabrina of Saffron City, and to see that Alakazam has maintained knowing Reflect means that the species stigma of notoriously low defensive statistics means Alakazam will be sticking around for a while--

MARY:   Hold that thought, Professor! It looks as though the final Pokemon for this battle has been selected! Fuck, I seems very proud of his selection right now...but it seems as though the computer is having some difficulty getting a reading on the Pokemon he's chosen--wait! It's coming through now!

MARY:   I...I don't believe it, Professor...

POKEMON:  Mewtwo (L70, gender unknown)

TYPE:  Psychic

HP:  273

ATTACK:  199

DEFENSE:  163

SPCL. ATK.:  251

SPCL. DEF.:  161

SPEED:  220

Moves

Psychic (PP 10)

Barrier (PP 30)

Hyper Beam (PP 5)

Recover (PP 20)

OAK:   He--he's using Mewtwo?! My goodness, the computer can barely register its own readings! This Pokemon has the highest Hit Points, Speed, and especially Special Attack out of all the rest of the Pokemon chosen for this fight, and if that wasn't enough, Fuck, I taught that monster Hyper Beam! Can you even imagine what sort of devastation that attack could unleash upon Sandy's Pokemon? Or worse yet, the spectators, if the attack misses?! Good grief! You certainly can't say that Fuck, I isn't taking this match seriously! It seems almost pointless now with such blatant overkill on the field, but when we return, we'll be consulting with Professor Daniel Birch on what sort of predictions we can make from these statistical analyses.  We'll be right back...I need to go lay down for a while...