I SEE NOTHING!!!

I don't want to wait any longer! I want my badge! I want to fly! I want--!

...that thing! I want that thing!

Tropius, lvl 25

Gender: Female

Nature: Relaxed

Ability: Chlorophyll

HP: 86

Attack: 39

Defense: 52

Special Attack: 41

Special Defense: 52

Speed: 33

Do you even understand how long it took me to catch this thing with Castform? CASTFORM! YOU ARE AN ICE-TYPE WHEN IT'S HAILING! YOU ARE FOUR-TIMES STRONG AGAINST IT!

YOU FUCKING SUCK, CASTFORM! LEARN MORE MOVES!

Alright, now, we can take a quick look around before heading to the gym, but we're not gonna go crazy here.

Let's see...ooh, Ultra Balls for sale at the Poke-Mart! I don't remember if I've been able to buy those yet, but yay regardless.  And I can apparently buy more furniture for my weird little hideout in the desert.  Okay, nothing really crazy here except the Hidden Power TM that I am never going to use, so let's just head over to the gym and--

WHAT IS BLOCKING MY PATH?!?!? FUCKING WHAT?!?!?!? I SEE NOTHING!!!

I have had it with this cock-tease bullshit! Google!

Okay...

For fuck's sake, is this game just all about Steven Stone and May giving you shit because of fucking no reason whatsoever? Is giving plot-progressing key items tax-deductible for these bastards? Fine.

So he's on Route 120 somewhere--

There! On the bridge! Steven! Give me--!

...one second to catch this thing!

Absol, lvl 27

Gender: Female

Nature: Timid

Ability: Pressure

HP: 79

Attack: 72

Defense: 38

Special Attack: 45

Special Defense: 38

Speed: 50

NOW GIVE ME THE SIGHT!

Alright, now let's see what the fuck is going on over here...

This? THIS is what has been blocking my way? You PIECE OF SHIT!

Let me just say that the people of Hoenn don't have a fucking prayer if they can't move around a goddamned Kecleon! I mean Jesus Christ, Kanto was practically full of Snorlaxes and they just built tunnels under it! Even Johto found ways around the Sudowoodo--

Oh no...is another fucking staple of the Pokemon franchise the "a random fuck-off Pokemon is blocking your path until you acquire this macguffin?"

Just fucking kill me already.

Kecleon, lvl 30

Gender: Female

Nature: Bold

Ability: Color Change

HP: 77

Attack: 57

Defense: 60

Special Attack: 42

Special Defense: 82

Speed: 34

Holy shit, she's not too bad! Better than Castform, at least.

Fuck you, Castform.  Learn better shit.

Well, thanks, Steven.  I guess I--

Did you just fly away from me? Oh, you gloating sack of shit...

That's fine.  We're this close, people.  We're gonna fly soon.  Only one thing stands in our way and that's the gym.  So let's just--

Who put this here? What the fuck is a Nest Ball? Do I want this? Screw it, let's just hold onto it.

YES! KNEW IT! FLYING-TYPE GYM! This is going to be great!

Winona! I don't know who you've got on your team, but I got three good reasons to fear the shit outta me.  Firstly:

Graveler came with me.  Secondly:

Magnemite evolved.

Magneton, lvl 30

HP: 73

Attack: 50

Defense: 65

Special Attack: 77

Special Defense: 61

Speed: 54

And thirdly:

The one-man rape-machine has finally arrived.

Lairon, lvl 32

HP: 86

Attack: 69

Defense: 105

Special Attack: 42

Special Defense: 44

Speed: 44

My defenses are solid, my Rock-types are ready, and I have been wanting to fly since fucking Dewford! I WANT THIS MORE THAN I WANT AN ELECTIVIRE!

...okay, that's bullshit.  BUT I STILL WANT THIS SO BAD!

Blaziken, lvl 38

Tentacruel, lvl 33

Graveler, lvl 33

Lairon, lvl 32

Magneton, lvl 30

Castform, lvl 27

Pokedex: 52, Badges: 5

It's In My Goddamned Hands

Wow, it's been a while since I've been on here.  There were other games that needed to be played for the time being, but I'm back now.  So...what the fuck was I doing?

Oh shit, a Good Rod.  Yeah, I'll be all about that in a little bit, but from what I've seen so far, Hoenn has Water-types coming out the ass, so there isn't an immediate need for fishing in my opinion.

Now, I just gotta figure out where to go to get to the next town--

Motherfucking newscasters again? Jesus Christ, these people...

All you brought to the table was a Magnemite and a Loudred? Bitch, I'm sporting a Breloom and a Blaziken in this party.  Do you think you stand a fucking chance? I don't think you do.

NO I DON'T WANT TO GET FUCKING INTERVIEWED.  GO AWAY.

Wait...was that just Steven goddamned Stone? Just ran up, said hello, and ran off again? And you poor-ass journalists are talking to me when the reclusive-ass former Pokemon League Champion just flew passed you?! Get your shit together, stupid.

Okay...up or right? Up goes to Route 119, and right goes to Route 123...let me just check the right for a second.

Great...one-way route.  I guess I'm going up then--

HOLY SHIT YOU SEE THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE?!? SHIT'S GOING IN THE BALL! SHIT IS GOING RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN BALL!

Yeah, if I don't use the damn Pokemon because it's worthless and it's more useful evolved form comes out of the wild to play, that other bullshit Pokemon that I caught is getting released A.S.A.P.  Welcome to the team, Manectric.

Manectric, lvl 26

Gender: Male

Nature: Lax

Ability: Static

HP: 79

Attack: 44

Defense: 46

Special Attack: 63

Special Defense: 36

Speed: 67

Shit, that is some tall-ass grass, son...and it's goddamned raining? Well, I was going to see if I could get some experience for Aron, but the weather dictates that I should focus on Tentacool for the time being.

Just kill a few bugs and ba-BOOM.  Sea demon.

Tentacruel, lvl 33

HP: 105

Attack: 55

Defense: 54

Special Attack: 63

Special Defense: 88

Speed: 77

Bad motherfucker right here.  Ain't nobody gonna say shit now.

Also, before I go any further...somebody better call fucking animal control or some shit in that house up there.  Shit is full of Wingulls and that can't be fucking legal.

Christ, this path is long.

Also tedious.  It is also very fucking tedious.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST GET ME TO THE NEXT TOWN--!

What is this thing? "Weather Institute"...and a bunch of Team Aqua grunts are telling me to stay out?

Fuck y'all.  Going in.

A Pokemon that controls the weather that they're after? I know that Castform changes in response to the weather, but I don't think it controls the weather...does it? I don't fucking know.  This is all new shit to me.

Hey, who the hell are you?

Aqua Admin Shelly? Fantastic.  Say, are you sporting predominantly Dark-type Pokemon? You are...awesome.  Why?

No reason.

Alright, I have rescued the scientists by defeating your leader.  Now what the fuck you gonna do?

Run off to Mount Pyre because that's where Team Magma is? Okaaaay.  This is starting to get a little tired.  I mean, are we gonna actually see either of the teams do something interesting soon? Please?

Oooh, scientists gave me a Castform! Yay...I think.  I have no idea how to properly use this fucker in battle, so I'll figure something out later.

Castform, lvl 25

Gender: Female

Nature: Bashful

Ability: Forecast

HP: 73

Attack: 40

Defense: 46

Special Attack: 42

Special Defense: 47

Speed: 45

You have three weather-altering moves and one Ice-type move...yet you are holding Mystic Water? Yeah, that's not gonna fly.  Give that shit up.  Gonna give it to the bad motherfucker.

Don't feel bad, Castform.  You're the closest thing to an Ice-type that I have, and you may be the only thing along those lines for some time, so you get to stick around for a bit.

Alright, let's head up and try to find--

You are kidding me, right?

ROUND ONE:

Kevin's Aron, lvl 29     vs.     May's Lombre, lvl 29

Yeah, this shit's not happening.  SWAP!

Kevin's Tentacruel, lvl 33     vs.     May's Lombre, lvl 29

It's raining and I've got the advantage thanks to the Poison typing.  Eat it.

Lombre's Fake Out does very little damage, and my retaliatory Facade takes more than a third of it's health away.

Nature Power? This should be interesting, considering that it's raining, this might--

Swift.  Very original, Game Freak.  Fucking what.  88/105 health left on the badass, but one swift Acid drops this Mexican motherfucker like a bag of hammers.

ROUND TWO:

Kevin's Breloom, lvl 27     vs.     May's Marshtomp, lvl 31

Always pack Grass when traveling through Hoenn.  Shit is like Atlantis.

Bullet Seed takes her starter into the yellow, and considering it only hit twice, things are looking up for me.

Mud Shot does very little damage, so I--

And a Take Down? Well fuck me crooked.  Only 12 HP left.  Guess I gotta Mega Drain...

Yeah, you done.  Next?

ROUND THREE:

Kevin's Tentacruel, lvl 33     vs.     May's Slugma, lvl 29

None of this is going to end well for you.  Surf.

End of discussion.  Now, let me just--

...

...

...

...is this what I think it is?

...

...

...

HM 02: FLY, MOTHERFUCKER! HELLS YEAH! AIN'T NOTHING GONNA STOP ME NOW, GODDAMN IT! I'M KING OF THE SKIES--!!

...

...

...

I need the badge from Fortree City to use it outside of battle?

FOR

FUCK'S

SAKE!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S IN MY GODDAMNED HANDS!!!!!!

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

...

...

...

...soon, my precious.  Soon.

That would lead me to believe that the next gym might have something to do with Flying-types, I think? Not sure.  I thought I heard something along those lines, so I'll play it safe and construct a team accordingly--

NOT NOW SCOTT I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR SHIT FLY IS ON THE LINE GODDAMN IT WHY DON'T YOU FUCK OFF SO HARD YOU FALL OFF A CLIFF AND DIE!

Blaziken, lvl 37

Tentacruel, lvl 33

Graveler, lvl 32

Aron, lvl 29

Castform, lvl 25

Magnemite, lvl 25

Pokedex: 47, Badges: 5