Don't Be A Dick

Now that I've got my Golem and my Slaking, I'm ready to bust through this fucking cave.

Okay...remember when I said "Fuck this game?"

THIS

SHIT

IS

UN-

-FUCKING-

-ACCEPTABLE!!!!!

I cannot begin to describe to you how unbelievably frustrating navigating through this debacle of a cave was.  Actually, I can describe it very easily, now that I think about it.

Only one of these crocodiles actually has an asshole; the other eight have a small cloaca filled with dirty syringes and rusted razor blades.  Oh, and we've covered you in bees that will not stop stinging until you find the right asshole.  Annnnnnd go!

So much hatred.  So goddamned much.

I mean, that little island tunnel in the middle of that current puzzle sent me BACK TO THE FUCKING START.  And that boulder puzzle...I did this all without Google, so I am especially full of hate--

Oh shit! Is that Kyogre?! I can't believe it's--

Archie...don't be a dick, now...

You...you're gonna be a dick, aren't you?

ROUND ONE

Kevin's Machamp, lvl 34     vs.     Archie's Mightyena, lvl 41

You've got the speed on me, Archie, but this is not going to end well for you.

Swagger.  A nice choice, but if you had been there for the fight with Maxie, you'd know that Machamp is a pro.

Pro.  Vital Throw.  Down you go.  Rhyming.  Ski-doosh.

ROUND TWO:

Kevin's Golem, lvl 33     vs.     Archie's Crobat, lvl 41

Endurance and power over speed.  This is the game I'm gonna play.

Bite takes Golem down to 73/98, which is as expected with regard to the estimated damage-to-total-health ratio.

Fuck, Rollout missed.  That would have been useful.

Now I have to deal with Confuse Ray.  This is going less well than anticipated.

Rollout missed again.  I'm beginning to dislike this Golem.

Bite hits again and now Golem is down to 50/98--

Then it hurts itself because it's still confused.  For fuck's sake, Golem...you are not a pro.

Bite a third time, down to 15/98 HP, and Golem flinched.  Jesus fucking Christ.

Hyper Potion time.  Let's try a redo.

Two Bite attacks.  First brings me down to 74/98, the second down to 27/98.

Finally, Rollout hits and takes away a quarter of Crobat's health.

Yet another Bite, down to barely any health, and Golem flinches, undoing the whole Rollout thing.

Fuck this! Swap!

ROUND THREE:

Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 40     vs.     Archie's Crobat, lvl 41

I...I might have made a mistake here.  Completely forgot about the Fighting-type thing.

Air Cutter followed by Wing Attack and Blaziken is unconscious.  Shit.

ROUND FOUR:

Kevin's Slaking, lvl 40     vs.     Archie's Crobat, lvl 41

Try that Wing Attack shit again.  I dare you.

Aww, only 29 points of damage? So cute.

Strength is a knockout.  Holla.

ROUND FIVE:

Kevin's Slaking, lvl 40     vs.     Archie's Sharpedo, lvl 43

You know what? Since I have no idea what' going to happen later on, I might as well use a Full Restore on Golem.  It's not like this shark can take down Slaking, and this turn is gonna be a loafing turn anyway.

Swagger again? This Swagger shit has got to stop.

Tried Strength, but I hurt myself and now Slaking is down to 100/182.

Slash hits Slaking with a critical and now we're looking at 46/182 health.

Loafing around...but, I have faith.

Slash again, but no critical.  19/182 health.

CRITICAL HIT ON STRENGTH! One-hit K.O.! Boom! Now, what you gonna do--?!

Oh, goddamn you, Archie.  Why? Why would you? Did you learn nothing from Maxie--?

Oh, that's right.  You weren't there.  Well, if Maxie was here, I'm sure he would--

Hey, there's Maxie! He can explain how terrible an idea it is to--

Wait a minute.  How the fuck did they get down here?! Where the fuck is their submarine? Oh, fuck them.

Say...did anybody else feel that? I'm thinking we should get the hell outta here.

This...this doesn't look good at all.  What exactly did you bastards do?

Steven! What do we do?! What did they do?!

Sootopolis City might have the answers? Fuckin' alright, I guess.  I have no idea how to get there, but we'll figure that shit out somehow.

I mean...I gotta use Dive, right? That's what I'm guessing.

Blaziken, lvl 40

Slaking, lvl 40

Machamp, lvl 35

Magneton, lvl 34

Tentacruel, lvl 33

Tropius, lvl 31

Pokedex: 63, Badges: 7

Define For Me What Is Wrong With You

That was just fucking harrowing.  At least now I can sit back and relax--

Five minutes.  Can I please just get FIVE MINUTES free from Team bullshit? Why the hell are you even here? Didn't you guys already awaken Groudon and fuck things up?

You're trying to steal all the rocket fuel? What's the point of stealing rocket fuel?

Yes...well said, Steven Stone.  Why bother--?

...

...

...

...

...

YOU WANT TO JETTISON THE FUEL INTO MOUNT CHIMNEY?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?! HOW DOES THIS SOLVE ANYTHING?!?!

Define for me what is wrong with you.  Please.  Of course, I have to battle you now to make sure this shit doesn't happen--

Steven Stone?! STEVEN MOTHERFUCKER STONE GONNA BATTLE WITH ME?!?! Oh, fuck yeah, son! You done goofed like a pro, Maxie! We're teaming up!

Oh wait...that means I have to pick just three of my six Pokemon to battle alongside Steven.  Well, let's see what he's got.

A Level 42 Metang, a Level 43 Skarmory, and a Level 44 Aggron...okay.  That's...that's quite the team you got there, Steven.  And knowing that Team Magma tends to focus on Fire-types, Dark-types, and Ground-types, I have the perfect accompaniment lined up for you!

My Level 31 Machamp, my Level 33 Gyarados, and my Level 40 Slaking.  Rock and roll time! 

Solid pairing! Let's see what Magma's gonna lead with...

Wow, you guys.  This is...this is everything that is wrong with--

DEFINE FOR ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!

ROUND ONE:

Their Mightyena goes first and Swaggers at Metang.  I don't know how well Metang uses his Attack stat, but I don't know how well confusion is going to fair either.

Metang hurt itself.  Fantastic.  Meanwhile, my Machamp is going to Karate Chop that Mightyena and hit that bitch critically...which is why I love Machamp.  Camerupt just chills out with a Focus Energy, so that's cool, I suppose.  Might be a problem later.

ROUND TWO:

Then the dog Swaggers me.  Fucking Swagger.  Seriously now, can't handle that shit.  However, you do not understand that Machamp is a pro--

Metang, you hurt yourself again? Steven, get your shit together.  Machamp, fight through the confusion and knock that dog out with Seismic Toss.

You see? That's how it's done, Steven!

Camerupt uses Amnesia, so I suppose that's also cool?

ROUND THREE:

I...there are no words for the stupid.  Gyarados, get out here.  This is going to be a bloodbath.

Metang hurts itself fucking again and both of the Camerupt use Amnesia.  Seriously, am I the only one who understands what the fuck is at stake here?

COME ON, PEOPLE!!!

ROUND FOUR:

Metal Claw! Oh thank God! Steven actually contributed! Meanwhile, Gyarados uses Surf and hits both of them hard.  Now the one Camerupt has about 2/3 of his health left, and the other is in the deep red.

The healthier of the two used Amnesia...again...and the other used Take Down and just nicked Gyarados.  And it takes recoil, so it's even closer to death.

ROUND FIVE:

Let's do a solid one-two punch on this round, now that Metang is no longer confused.  Metang hits the healthy Camerupt with Metal Claw, then the Surf takes them both out.  High-five for teamwork!

Yay team--!

They both swapped for bats.  Is there like some sort of coordination bylaws that you have to follow when you join a Team? Well, let's make things interesting with a strong swap.

ROUND SIX:

Slaking time, stupids! He's only gonna need the one attack, so do what you can--

Crobat used Mean Look on Slaking.  Let me make one thing clear: he's not trapped in here with you...you're trapped in here with him.  Then Golbat performs a measly Wing Attack on Metang...which is the last thing he did because Metang just kept shelling out the Metal Claws and knocked that fucker out cold.  They swapped for the other Mightyena.

ROUND SEVEN:

Slaking hits hard with Strength and puts Mightyena at about half health.  Meanwhile, the immediate response from Mightyena is Scary Face against Slaking.  You're not gonna be able to stop him, dude.  He's too good.

Crobat gets hit with the Metang special (which is Metal Claw) and hits the yellow, then Crobat hits Slaking with Wing Attack and now pretty much everyone is in the yellow.

ROUND EIGHT:

Since Slaking is gonna loaf around, I might as well use this turn to heal up Metang with one of my Hyper Potions, since he's being a boss right about now--

Woah, Crobat can hit two targets with Air Cutter? Holy shit that's good...

Just not as good as Metang, who delivers a good ole' claw to the dog and knocks it out.

ROUND NINE:

Confuse Ray on Slaking? Not a bad choice, considering--

Metal Claw.  K.O.  Victorious, motherfucker! Now, get the fuck out of here before I--

Thank you, Steven.  Now, I--

DIVE!!!!!

Oh, shit! Wait...wait...fuck! Who do I give this to? I don't want to sacrifice a move on Gyarados because he's gonna learn awesome shit soon, and Pelipper already knows Surf and Fly, so there's no way I'm teaching it a third HM move, so--

Oh, fuck yes! Tentacruel! You gonna forget the shit outta wrap and learn Dive instead--!

Hey, May...what's going on?

A giant, flying green Pokemon over Pacifidlog City? Is...is that where I have to go next? Okay...thanks, deus ex telefono.

Now...where the hell am I going?

It would appear as though I should be able to get there from Slateport, but that shit is impossible because the current is too strong.  Maybe via Route 127 from Mossdeep?

Hey, there's some deep water here.  Maybe I could dive around a bit and see what's underneath the waves.  Tentacruel, do your thing.

Hey...is that a cave?

HOLY SHIT THE SUBMARINE!!! I FOUND IT!!! I FOUND WHERE TEAM AQUA RAN OFF TO!!!

Alright, Team Aqua...prepare to--

What the fuck is this shit? I need Strength and Rock Smash to even get through the first room?! I--

Oh no...

No, no...please don't let it be--

Fuck this game.  Fuck it right it the crocodile.  I'll be right back after I swap out the majority of my fucking team to accommodate a bullshit puzzle-cave,

Blaziken, lvl 40

Slaking, lvl 40

Magneton, lvl 34

Tentacruel, lvl 33

Machamp, lvl 32

Tropius, lvl 30

Pokedex: 63, Badges: 7

Have I also stated for the record "Fuck this game"? Because fuck this game.  Seriously this game: fuck it.  Fuck it so hard.  The puzzles...fuck puzzles.  Fuck all the puzzles.  Got a puzzle? Fuck it.  Don't fuck it? Fuck you.  Fuck you and your puzzles.  Your parents never loved you or your fucking puzzles.  Everything you know is a lie and puzzles suck shit.