The Expansion to Emerald: A Generation-III Adventure: Don't Be A Dick

Now that I've got my Golem and my Slaking, I'm ready to bust through this fucking cave.

Okay...remember when I said "Fuck this game?"

THIS

SHIT

UN-

-FUCKING-

-ACCEPTABLE!!!!!

I cannot begin to describe to you how unbelievably frustrating navigating through this debacle of a cave was. Actually, I can describe it very easily, now that I think about it.

Only one of these crocodiles actually has an asshole; the other eight have a small cloaca filled with dirty syringes and rusted razor blades. Oh, and we've covered you in bees that will not stop stinging until you find the right asshole. Annnnnnd go!

So much hatred. So goddamned much.

I mean, that little island tunnel in the middle of that current puzzle sent me BACK TO THE FUCKING START. And that boulder puzzle...I did this all without Google, so I am especially full of hate--

Oh shit! Is that Kyogre?! I can't believe it's--

Archie...don't be a dick, now...

You...you're gonna be a dick, aren't you?

ROUND ONE

Kevin's Machamp, lvl 34 vs. Archie's Mightyena, lvl 41

You've got the speed on me, Archie, but this is not going to end well for you.

Swagger. A nice choice, but if you had been there for the fight with Maxie, you'd know that Machamp is a pro.

Pro. Vital Throw. Down you go. Rhyming. Ski-doosh.

ROUND TWO:

Kevin's Golem, lvl 33 vs. Archie's Crobat, lvl 41

Endurance and power over speed. This is the game I'm gonna play.

Bite takes Golem down to 73/98, which is as expected with regard to the estimated damage-to-total-health ratio.

Fuck, Rollout missed. That would have been useful.

Now I have to deal with Confuse Ray. This is going less well than anticipated.

Rollout missed again. I'm beginning to dislike this Golem.

Bite hits again and now Golem is down to 50/98--

Then it hurts itself because it's still confused. For fuck's sake, Golem...you are not a pro.

Bite a third time, down to 15/98 HP, and Golem flinched. Jesus fucking Christ.

Hyper Potion time. Let's try a redo.

Two Bite attacks. First brings me down to 74/98, the second down to 27/98.

Finally, Rollout hits and takes away a quarter of Crobat's health.

Yet another Bite, down to barely any health, and Golem flinches, undoing the whole Rollout thing.

Fuck this! Swap!

ROUND THREE:

Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 40 vs. Archie's Crobat, lvl 41

I...I might have made a mistake here. Completely forgot about the Fighting-type thing.

Air Cutter followed by Wing Attack and Blaziken is unconscious. Shit.

ROUND FOUR:

Kevin's Slaking, lvl 40 vs. Archie's Crobat, lvl 41

Try that Wing Attack shit again. I dare you.

Aww, only 29 points of damage? So cute.

Strength is a knockout. Holla.

ROUND FIVE:

Kevin's Slaking, lvl 40 vs. Archie's Sharpedo, lvl 43

You know what? Since I have no idea what' going to happen later on, I might as well use a Full Restore on Golem. It's not like this shark can take down Slaking, and this turn is gonna be a loafing turn anyway.

Swagger again? This Swagger shit has got to stop.

Tried Strength, but I hurt myself and now Slaking is down to 100/182.

Slash hits Slaking with a critical and now we're looking at 46/182 health.

Loafing around...but, I have faith.

Slash again, but no critical. 19/182 health.

CRITICAL HIT ON STRENGTH! One-hit K.O.! Boom! Now, what you gonna do--?!