Top 6: Part 3

Based on what I've experienced thus far with regard to Generation-III, I think I can finally make a ruling on which of the new Pokemon I would consider to be my top six favorite.  I've done this before for each of the generations, but in case you've forgotten my previous selections...well...fuck you.

GEN-I TOP 6

#6 - Gyarados

#5 - Kadabra

#4 - Scyther

#3 - Growlithe

#2 - Haunter

#1 - Charizard

GEN-II TOP 6

#6 - Steelix

#5 - Houndoom

#4 - Marill

#3 - Donphan

#2 - Heracross

#1 - Elekid

As a reminder, these are not, in my opinion, the best Pokemon on a competitive level, but rather, these are just ones that really tickled my fancy.

#6 - Zigzagoon

This guy...whoever pitched this shit in the GameFreak board meeting deserves a fucking medal.  NOT for the concept, mind you...just the name.  Zigzagoon.  I mean, come on! Say it! Say it and tell me you aren't fucking smiling.  Thought not.  Can't stay mad when Zigzagoon's about.

#5 - Whismur

This one's all on GameGrumps.  Whismur.  Pumbloom.  Gamsmash.  Dangledore.  Pumbluss.  Frrrg'ferpoo.  Whatever the hell you want to call it, I giggle the shit outta myself when I see this motherfucker.

Thank you, GameGrumps, for showing me the glory.

#4 - Ludicolo

LOOK AT THAT FACE! LOOK AT THIS FUCKER'S FACE!

He is legit about to grab ahold of the most amazing set of titties on the planet.  That's what that face is.

Also, he's clearly a Mexican Pokemon? EXCUSE ME!!! Genius racism.

#3 - Shroomish

GRUMPY-PUSS! LOOK AT THAT GRUMPY PUSS! OOOOOOOH, JUST HUG ME!

#2 - Blaziken

Okay, everyone...chill out.  Yeah, everyone loves Blaziken because of that mooky-ass Speed Boost, and yes, he's pretty much destroyed everything he's come across.  Honestly? I like him because someone came up with the idea of a flaming karate chicken and someone else said, "That motherfucker is gonna be a starter!"  Hands down one of my favorite end-evolutions for a starter Pokemon.

#1 - Aron

It's funny, because not only has this guy been trounced several times, and not only is he the absolute worst thing to go up against a Blaziken with, but he's not even the final form! Aggron?

Fucking monstrosity.  However, even though Aggron is probably much better than Lairon, and Lairon has been much better than Aron, Aron just seemed more earnest.  He's got those little blue eyes and his little doopy feet and he's just thinking to himself: "Someday, I'm gonna be an armored Nidoking and fuck the earth with a giant iron cock."  That's mainly the reason why I love him; it's all about the potential.  I was half-tempted to pick Aron as Tom Cedar's starting Pokemon, but I opted to go more with something that fit a little better with the story I had planned for Tom...

...but that shit would have been real fucking sweet to have.

I gotta find Tom an Aron.

Falkner Can Go Eat Shit

I'm geared up for this.  You better be as well.

Fortree City Gym: Winona, the Not-Falkner

If you thought for one second that I was going to face off against a Flying-type gym leader and NOT mention that sad sack of shit back in Violet City, my friend, you have dicks in your brains.

ROUND ONE:

Kevin's Castform, lvl 27     vs.     Winona's Swablu, lvl 29

I decided to lead with Castform just because I had no idea what Winona had up her sleeve, but an Ice-type Pokemon that is comparatively weaker to the rest of my team seemed to be a smart choice as the vanguard.

Let's get the weather brewing, Castform.  Hail!

Mirror Move? I...um...okay?

Now, use Powder Snow! Not bad! A little over half of its health left, but the hail will definitely--

Mirror Move again? I'm an Ice-type in a hailstorm.  What the fuck are you doing?

Powder Snow again, I guess.  That will take Swablu well below half-health.  Now, if we can--

Fucking Mirror Move?! Whyyyyyyyyyy? I don't know why this is happening--

And a Hyper Potion from Winona.  Of fucking course.  If you can't knock it out in one hit, you can bet your dick that the leader has a potion ready for the big one-two-fuck-you.

Square-One again...so let's keep the Powder Snow going--

STOP USING MIRROR MOVE! I'M NOT FRUSTRATED AT THIS POINT; I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU!

Hail stopped.  Shit...gotta redo that.  If I just use Powder Snow, not only will I not get the stab and environmental boosts to the attack power, but if that damn bird uses Mirror Move one more fucking time, I won't have the better defenses against it.

Mirror Move failed because you tried to mimic Hail while it's hailing.  Of course it fucking failed, you feathery twat.  I've had enough of this shit.

Powder Snow takes out Swablu.  I am not relying on Castform anymore for this fucking battle.  Takes too goddamned long.

ROUND TWO:

Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 38     vs.     Winona's Skarmory, lvl 31

My Fire-type beats your Steel-type, your Flying-type beats my Fighting-type.  I got the higher Attack, you got the higher Defense.  I guess it's just gonna come down to Speed then--

Oh, and it's still hailing, but since Blaziken is a Fire/Fighting, that shit is nothing to him.

Whoop whoop! Blaze Kick hits first and Skarmory crumbles like an old cookie! That's what I'm talking about! No potions! Next?

ROUND THREE:

Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 38     vs.     Winona's Tropius, lvl 31

More hail.  I bet that shit really hurts a Grass/Flying Pokemon, eh Tropius? Not as much as...

...a BLAZE KICK IN THE BANANA-CHIN! Knock-out!

ROUND FOUR:

Kevin's Magneton, lvl 30     vs.     Winona's Pelipper, lvl 30

Could not risk literally half of my team against this speedy blue-and-white devil, so I gotta go with a Pokemon I've never actually used in any of my play-throughs before: Magneton.

Spark is a one-hit K.O.  Memo to self: Magneton does not suck anymore.

ROUND FIVE:

Kevin's Lairon, lvl 32     vs.     Winona's Altaria, lvl 33

Holy shit, she has a Dragon/Flying type! Brava, Winona.  Falkner can go eat shit every time he tries to say something relevant to Flying-type Pokemon trainers.  All the kudos, girl.  Let's see how this one pans out--

Earthquake? From a FLYING-TYPE?!?! What the shit?!!? Holy hell, Lairon's down to 25/86 health!

Rock Tomb! Do it now!

Okay, Altaria's hurt, but it's still in the green...but it's Speed dropped! Can we do it?

YES! Two Rock Tombs in a row--!

Fuck, it's still hanging in there.  Goddamn it.

Earthquake sends Lairon back into the dirt from whence it came.  I know the next one is a gamble, but come on: if you're going up against a Flying-type gym, you pack Rock-types, Ice-types, and Electric-types.  Do you know what fucks that hard in the asshole? Ground-type attacks.  If only I had my Zapdos or Articuno from Red, I'd be golden.  But I don't, so...

ROUND SIX:

Kevin's Graveler, lvl 33     vs.     Winona's Altaria, lvl 33

Of course the damned cloud-bird eats an Oran Berry right off the bat--

And of COURSE Winona uses another Hyper Potion! Kudos still, but go fuck yourself--

Wait...that means I get two consecutive moves if I'm the faster Pokemon! Oh ho, you bitch, you are so done!

Graveler? I think you know what must be done...

Rollout hits once.

Then immediately again.  Altaria is way in the yellow.

Graveler survives the incoming Earthquake with 37/81 health remaining.  Enough to deliver the final Rollout.

And that's all she wrote, son.  Good battle, but I'm better.  Sorry...that's just the way the world works.

TM 40 teaches Aerial Ace, and I think I know who gets to learn this and Fly.

Join me, my old friend! Join me as we soar through the heavens and learn what it means to truly be free!

Blaziken, lvl 39

Graveler, lvl 33

Lairon, lvl 32

Pelipper, lvl 32

Magneton, lvl 30

Vigoroth, lvl 22

Pokedex: 52, Badges: 6

I SEE NOTHING!!!

I don't want to wait any longer! I want my badge! I want to fly! I want--!

...that thing! I want that thing!

Tropius, lvl 25

Gender: Female

Nature: Relaxed

Ability: Chlorophyll

HP: 86

Attack: 39

Defense: 52

Special Attack: 41

Special Defense: 52

Speed: 33

Do you even understand how long it took me to catch this thing with Castform? CASTFORM! YOU ARE AN ICE-TYPE WHEN IT'S HAILING! YOU ARE FOUR-TIMES STRONG AGAINST IT!

YOU FUCKING SUCK, CASTFORM! LEARN MORE MOVES!

Alright, now, we can take a quick look around before heading to the gym, but we're not gonna go crazy here.

Let's see...ooh, Ultra Balls for sale at the Poke-Mart! I don't remember if I've been able to buy those yet, but yay regardless.  And I can apparently buy more furniture for my weird little hideout in the desert.  Okay, nothing really crazy here except the Hidden Power TM that I am never going to use, so let's just head over to the gym and--

WHAT IS BLOCKING MY PATH?!?!? FUCKING WHAT?!?!?!? I SEE NOTHING!!!

I have had it with this cock-tease bullshit! Google!

Okay...

For fuck's sake, is this game just all about Steven Stone and May giving you shit because of fucking no reason whatsoever? Is giving plot-progressing key items tax-deductible for these bastards? Fine.

So he's on Route 120 somewhere--

There! On the bridge! Steven! Give me--!

...one second to catch this thing!

Absol, lvl 27

Gender: Female

Nature: Timid

Ability: Pressure

HP: 79

Attack: 72

Defense: 38

Special Attack: 45

Special Defense: 38

Speed: 50

NOW GIVE ME THE SIGHT!

Alright, now let's see what the fuck is going on over here...

This? THIS is what has been blocking my way? You PIECE OF SHIT!

Let me just say that the people of Hoenn don't have a fucking prayer if they can't move around a goddamned Kecleon! I mean Jesus Christ, Kanto was practically full of Snorlaxes and they just built tunnels under it! Even Johto found ways around the Sudowoodo--

Oh no...is another fucking staple of the Pokemon franchise the "a random fuck-off Pokemon is blocking your path until you acquire this macguffin?"

Just fucking kill me already.

Kecleon, lvl 30

Gender: Female

Nature: Bold

Ability: Color Change

HP: 77

Attack: 57

Defense: 60

Special Attack: 42

Special Defense: 82

Speed: 34

Holy shit, she's not too bad! Better than Castform, at least.

Fuck you, Castform.  Learn better shit.

Well, thanks, Steven.  I guess I--

Did you just fly away from me? Oh, you gloating sack of shit...

That's fine.  We're this close, people.  We're gonna fly soon.  Only one thing stands in our way and that's the gym.  So let's just--

Who put this here? What the fuck is a Nest Ball? Do I want this? Screw it, let's just hold onto it.

YES! KNEW IT! FLYING-TYPE GYM! This is going to be great!

Winona! I don't know who you've got on your team, but I got three good reasons to fear the shit outta me.  Firstly:

Graveler came with me.  Secondly:

Magnemite evolved.

Magneton, lvl 30

HP: 73

Attack: 50

Defense: 65

Special Attack: 77

Special Defense: 61

Speed: 54

And thirdly:

The one-man rape-machine has finally arrived.

Lairon, lvl 32

HP: 86

Attack: 69

Defense: 105

Special Attack: 42

Special Defense: 44

Speed: 44

My defenses are solid, my Rock-types are ready, and I have been wanting to fly since fucking Dewford! I WANT THIS MORE THAN I WANT AN ELECTIVIRE!

...okay, that's bullshit.  BUT I STILL WANT THIS SO BAD!

Blaziken, lvl 38

Tentacruel, lvl 33

Graveler, lvl 33

Lairon, lvl 32

Magneton, lvl 30

Castform, lvl 27

Pokedex: 52, Badges: 5