After conquering the neighboring regions of Johto and Kanto, Kevin steps out of his comfort zone and ventures to a place he's never been before, Hoenn, for untold challenges and unending frustrations.
Alright. This is when I get to vent and tell you all what the fuck's been going on.
I placed an order through Amazon.com on December 30, 2012 for a used Pokemon Emerald game in "Like New" condition for $40.98 using the Standard Shipping option. I received the order confirmation email the same day at 8:50 PM. The estimated shipping date stated on that email was sometime between December 31, 2012 and January 2, 2012. I received an email on the very same day at 9:55 PM telling me that the product has shipped.
Fucking yay.
I checked the very same order confirmation email to try to determine the estimated date of delivery. The window they gave was sometime between January 7, 2013 and January 22, 2013. Figuring that Standard Shipping takes 3-5 business days and the seller promptly shipped the product within 2 hours of the order, I estimated the game would arrive very promptly.
January 7th rolls around...no package. Okay, that's no big deal. I didn't imagine that the game would arrive on the very first day of estimated shipping, so I'm not disappointed.
A week goes by: January 14th rolls around...still no package. Okay, it should be coming this week, though. I mean, let's check the shipping tracker and figure out where it is...
The only thing the tracker says is that on December 31st, "the shipment has left seller facility and is in transit to carrier". Doesn't give a time, doesn't give a location more specific than United States. I'm getting a little worried. January 22nd finally arrives. I haven't received dick. Maybe it's a difficult thing to ship. Oh wait...
My product could fit in a fucking box of matches! It could be shipped in a regular letter envelope! Why is this a difficult thing to get to me? I wait a few days and email the seller on January 25th, hoping to figure out where the hell he/she is, where this game is supposed to be coming from, and what shipping service is being used. Who knows, maybe there was some hiccup, since two national holidays took place since I ordered the game. It might come in the next few days. It is now January 29th. I am not playing Pokemon Emerald because I do not have it yet. I have received no email from the seller. I'm getting pissed. I call Amazon.com customer service and try to figure out what the fuck is going on and they tell me that I qualify to file an A-to-Z Coverage Claim, which is their guarantee that I get the product I order on-time and in the condition I bought it or Amazon intervenes. Believe you me, I will be filing a claim if I do not receive an email from this seller or the product by February 4th. Then, depending on what happens (whether I find where the game is or I get my money back), I will either be receiving the game within a few days or I will be using the refund to purchase the game from a different seller. Now, I want to let you all know where I'm coming from with this: This is it. I don't need to go crazy looking for old games after this. I already bought a working used Pokemon Diamond game, I received a new Pokemon White 2 game for Christmas, and I just pre-ordered Pokemon Y from GameStop. Once I get Pokemon Emerald, I can go unstoppably from Generation-III to Generation-VI, presuming it takes me just long enough to beat Emerald, Diamond, and White 2 so that when Y comes out in October, I can just go straight to the new game. However, without the new developments in Emerald, I'd be flying blind into later generations. I wouldn't know anything about Abilities, Natures, Characteristics, double battles, refined IV and EV systems, new moves, new items, and 135 new Pokemon. Furthermore, if I just skipped Emerald and went straight on into Diamond, there'd be no reason for me to go back and play Emerald. Either I get Emerald and I continue through the blog's journey, or the blog does not progress. It's as simple as that. I don't want this shit to end, and I know you don't, since you're even prepared to read an entry that's just writing and no pretty pictures. So Amazon, thanks for having my back through this, but to seller named "Yicyacyac": I'm not fucking impressed. I'm not even content. I'm upset, angry, disgruntled, and all around pissed. You fucked with my blog, and I don't take that shit likely. I started "Hire Me, Sugimori!" in order to fill the gap caused by the waiting for this fucking game, and although I liked coming up with it, I shouldn't have to come up with ways to entertain myself and others while I wait for you to fulfill your end of a fucking legitimate business deal. Get your shit together, Yicyacyac. You're gonna get a terrible review from me and I shall spare no detail. The world will know of this bullshit. Apologies for the lack of progress on this blog, but hey...now you know what's up.
Why haven't I updated you on my marvelous adventure through Hoenn yet?
I ordered the game on Amazon.com and shit hasn't shown up yet. Got the email saying it shipped, but it told me to expect it whenever the fuck they felt like it, so whatever.
Fucking get on with your lives. I'll post something when it happens.
That was way more fucking fun than I could have ever imagined. Special thanks to my friends Jeremy and Dave for stepping in and playing as Sandy and Fuck, I while I recorded everything on my laptop. That's right, I did not play as my own characters, and the players switched characters to prevent one person from swaying the course of the battle because he was way more skilled than the other. Both of them proved skilled, knowledgeable, and most worthy of portraying the characters I've worked so hard on for the past couple of months. But now, we have an interesting situation before us:
You see...I've never played any Generation-III Pokemon game before, nor have I played any Pokemon game after that. I have no idea what the plots are, I have no idea in what order the gym leaders appear or what kind of Pokemon they use, and I have no idea where to go or really anything about new mechanics. Hell, I barely know the new Pokemon that get introduced in this generation. I mean, look at this guy:
Christ, I had to Google this guy by name to find a photo of him and I've already forgotten his fucking name. Manasquan? I dunno anymore, and I don't really care.
Regardless, this is going to be a very different kind of adventure. Since this will be all brand new to me, I'm going to record my reactions to damn-near everything. Don't like it? Well, nobody fucking asked you. You stuck around since the beginning to leave now? Your standards are shit.
Also, because I will actually be able to hold onto the Pokemon I use here in Pokemon Emerald by transferring them into my Diamond and White 2 games (spoiler alert?), I am going to be less comical about naming my character. I need to pick a name that's gonna stick with me all the way until I get to Generation-V. Besides...last few times, I was playing as a character; I had played through Generation-I and Generation-II before as my wide-eyed, pre-teen self, but now that I find myself returning to that state of child-like wonder, I owe it to myself to represent that fully.
So get ready, Hoenn, because Kevin is moving to Littleroot Town to stir some shit up!
Who the fuck did my hair like that?! It looks like shit.
MARY: Professor Oak! Professor, the champions are returning from the nurses' station and are ready to battle!
OAK: Fantastic news! Thank you, DJ Mary! Now, WPKM is proud to broadcast the continuation of the Fuck, I-Sandy match, the first ever battle between two reigning Pokemon League Champions! Let's see how this battle will turn out!
ROUND ONE:
Fuck, I's Articuno, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: Oh, that's so interesting! Both champions decided to lead with their Ice-type Pokemon!
OAK: This is sure to be a knock-down, drag-out fight, since neither one of them has a significant edge over the other.
MARY: Jynx hits Articuno with Lovely Kiss! The legendary bird has fallen asleep!
OAK: This is another unfortunate start for Fuck, I, but let's not count him out just yet.
MARY: Jynx connects with two Ice Punches, but she misses her Blizzard attack and, with that, the chance to end this battle quickly before Articuno wakes up.
OAK: And Fuck, I responds by having Articuno cast Mist on the battlefield. It's a solid technique, but in this case, the only stat drop Fuck, I would have to worry about is Speed from Icy Wind, but Jynx already has the Speed advantage here. Not the wisest of moves.
MARY: Another Ice Punch from Jynx and Articuno is down to just 2 Hit Points from its original 243!
OAK: I see that Articuno is preparing to use Fly, a smart move to buy Fuck, I a little more time to think.
MARY: Jynx misses her Icy Wind attack and takes significant damage from Articuno's Fly, reducing her to 82 Hit Points...but with one more swift Ice Punch, Articuno is down! Just five more victories and Sandy will walk away as the undisputed champion!
ROUND TWO:
Fuck, I's Charizard, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: It looks like Fuck, I isn't playing around here! He wants to take down Sandy and bad!
OAK: Remember, though, Charizard is not as strong defensively against Ice-type attacks as other Fire-type Pokemon, so Fuck, I will need to be very careful.
MARY: Jynx leads off again with Lovely Kiss and Charizard is fast asleep!
OAK: The famous Jynx Date-Rape Technique in full effect here--
MARY: Oh my lord! Blizzard hits, doing massive damage to Charizard, but he's still snoozing!
OAK: This could be very bad news for Fuck, I.
MARY: One Ice Punch...two Ice Punches...and Charizard has fainted!
OAK: Fuck, I has got to focus here! He can't let this bad start affect his performance in the rest of the match. The next choice could make or break his chances here today!
ROUND THREE:
Fuck, I's Dugtrio, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
OAK: Here we go! Dugtrio is critical for getting the first hit on Jynx, but he's also very weak to Ice-type attacks. Fuck, I needs to knock Jynx out with one shot!
MARY: Dugtrio has dug deep down into the ground! Jynx's Lovely Kiss isn't going to reach him down there!
OAK: And there it is! There's that powerful Dig attack Fuck, I's Dugtrio is known for, and it's just enough to take Jynx down! It's gonna be an uphill battle for Fuck, I, especially considering who Sandy is most likely to pick next.
ROUND FOUR:
Fuck, I's Dugtrio, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: This is no surprise here, Professor. We all knew Pidgeot is here to specifically gun for Dugtrio.
OAK: Let's see if Dugtrio can pull off a victory against Pidgeot this time...
MARY: Dugtrio kicked up a lot of dirt and used Sand-Attack on Pidgeot!
OAK: This may be the only way Dugtrio can beat this tough bird; reduce Pidgeot's accuracy, take his time with Slash, and hope the sand will keep Pidgeot so blind she can't attack with any kind of reliability.
MARY: That certainly isn't the case just yet, as Pidgeot knocks into Dugtrio with Steel Wing, taking Dugtrio down to 116/175 Hit Points.
OAK: That put enough pressure on Fuck, I to make him order Dugtrio to start using Slash, and that will bring Pidgeot to 159/245 Hit Points.
MARY: Steel Wing hits again and Dugtrio has less than 70 Hit Points to work with, so this may be over soon.
OAK: Fuck, I is praying for more time, and that's evident in Dugtrio using Sand-Attack once again--
MARY: But it just isn't enough! Wing Attack connects and sends Dugtrio into unconsciousness!
OAK: I beginning to think that Fuck, I is a little flustered and that's causing him to make some rash decisions when it comes to battling. Let's hope he can pull himself together, because as it stands right now, Sandy still has five Pokemon left, but Fuck, I only has three.
ROUND FIVE:
Fuck, I's Zapdos, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: Here we go! Zapdos is out once more and Fuck, I looks like he's out for blood!
OAK: It's no secret that Fuck, I has leaned on Zapdos for many of his victories, but will Zapdos be enough to carry him far enough to secure a victory here and carry him into a third match?
MARY: Zapdos is charging up...and ka-pow! What a Thunder attack! That's certainly enough to take Pidgeot out of contention for quite some time!
OAK: That's going to be a crucial morale-booster for Fuck, I. Let's see how Sandy's going to respond.
ROUND SIX:
Fuck, I's Zapdos, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Magmar, lvl 70
MARY: Well, this is a very peculiar choice! Professor, what do you think is going through Sandy's head?
OAK: It's simple: Sandy doesn't want to have to bring in Magmar against Kabutops, so he is going to use Magmar to whittle away at Zapdos until it's weak enough to be taken down by another one of his Pokemon.
MARY: Fascinating, Professor--Oh, that Drill Peck from Zapdos has got to hurt! Magmar is still standing strong at 119 Hit Points, which is much less than what he started out with, but enough to still cause damage.
MARY: Professor, Magmar has just used Sunny Day, and that should wreak havoc on Zapdos' accuracy for Thunder...and it did! Zapdos' Thunder just missed Magmar by a hair!
OAK: And Magmar replies with a Flamethrower attack, now empowered further by the bright sunlight! Zapdos is left with 106/247 Hit Points, but Zapdos has come back from much less in the past.
MARY: Ooh, that's gotta hurt! Zapdos finally connects with Thunder and knocks Magmar into next week!
OAK: Now, what was Sandy saving to try to take down Zapdos?
ROUND SEVEN:
Fuck, I's Zapdos, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 70
MARY: An interesting call. This is the second time in this battle that the champions have pitted type against type. Let's see how they will try to overcome the obvious obstacles when fighting with the same type of Pokemon.
OAK: Ah ha! Zapdos seems to have paralyzed Ampharos with Thunder Wave! Sure, Zapdos already had the Speed advantage, but now with Ampharos paralyzed, he may not even be able to attack!
MARY: Ampharos doesn't seem to be able to move just yet, and it takes a punishing Drill Peck, taking him down to 208 Hit Points!
OAK: Ampharos shakes it off and lands a solid Thunderpunch on Zapdos. If I'm not mistaken, that leaves Zapdos with just 22 Hit Points remaining--well, what is this!
MARY: Light Screen? That isn't going to be enough to stop Ampharos from taking out Zapdos with that solid Thunderpunch.
OAK: It may not be, but Light Screen is going to stick around for a little while longer, meaning Fuck, I's next Pokemon will have some strong protection against Special Attacks.
ROUND EIGHT:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 70
OAK: I didn't think Fuck, I would send out Kabutops, as he would still be weak to Electric-type attacks, but Mewtwo would be a powerhouse behind Zapdos' Light Screen!
MARY: Wow! Mewtwo unleashed a monstrous Psychic attack that critically injured Ampharos!
OAK: Ampharos is down! This is exactly why Fuck, I is such a powerful contender; he not only has the ability to catch and train legendary Pokemon, but he knows how to use them as a team to maximum effectiveness!
ROUND NINE:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 70
MARY: Alakazam has been called out onto the battlefield, but can he do the job this time?
OAK: Last time, Mewtwo was burned and already damaged from battle, but now, Mewtwo is not only at peak condition, but reinforced behind a Light Screen. This could spell the end for Sandy in this match.
MARY: Mewtwo unleashes Hyper Beam, and good golly is it stronger than it was last time! Alakazam is left with a mere 50 Hit Points!
OAK: Alakazam needs to cover a lot of ground before Mewtwo and strike again, but I don't think Shadow Ball is going to get him there.
MARY: Two Shadow Balls and Mewtwo is only taken down to 146 Hit Points. Fuck, I has got to be very pleased with that Light Screen--
OAK: Another Hyper Beam takes out Alakazam! My goodness, Fuck, I is pulling no punches!
MARY: This is Sandy's last Pokemon, and it's gonna have to find a way to take down Mewtwo! Can Feraligatr pull it off?
ROUND TEN:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 70
OAK: The Light Screen has faded, the Sunny Day is long gone, and Mewtwo is recharging from that last Hyper Beam. Feraligatr has his opening!
MARY: The ground is trembling as Feraligatr unleashes a powerful Earthquake! Not enough to take down Mewtwo, though, and Fuck, I is going to use that opening for Mewtwo's Recover.
OAK: And another Earthquake from Feraligatr, but after all that trouble, Mewtwo is actually one Hit Point higher than he was starting off this battle! Sandy is going to need to change tactics and fast if he's going to pull a victory from behind.
MARY: Mewtwo fires another powerful Hyper Beam, and this one slams into Feraligatr for 92 points of damage. Sandy's got one hell of a sturdy Pokemon there!
OAK: Feraligatr charges into Mewtwo...Ice Punch! There's a change of tactics, but I don't know how effective that will be.
MARY: What do you mean, Professor?
OAK: Sandy is trying to freeze Mewtwo! Another Ice Punch while Mewtwo is recharging takes him down to 69 Hit Points, but a swift Recover brings Mewtwo back up to 205 Hit Points.
MARY: The crowd here in Ever Grande City is on its feet, cheering for the underdog Feraligatr to deliver that crushing blow. He winds up for another attack, and he connects with a third Ice Punch--he's done it! Sandy has done it! Mewtwo is frozen solid!
OAK: Incredible! The chances of Mewtwo suffering from burning and freezing in the same competition is astronomical, but it would appear as though fate is on Sandy's side!
MARY: Sandy is not going to let this opportunity slip through his fingers, let me tell you that! First, Feraligatr rips the ground apart with a devastating Earthquake, then, it looks like--yes! Sandy's Feraligatr has just used Surf! Mewtwo is not looking good at all!
OAK: And Mewtwo is still frozen! Whether this is remarkable luck, remarkable skill, or both, Sandy has a tremendous advantage here--!
MARY: Mewtwo is down! I repeat, Mewtwo is down! One final Ice Punch sent the psychic menace into quite the coma!
OAK: This is it, folks! Fuck, I is forced into using Kabutops, and Feraligatr's Earthquake will surely make short work of him!
FINAL ROUND:
Fuck, I's Kabutops, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 70
MARY: Professor, do you think Fuck, I can pull this off?
OAK: I doubt it, at this point. Kabutops doesn't have the Speed advantage here, nor any real advantage other than more Hit Points than Feraligatr. If Feraligatr can't take Kabutops out with two attacks, then it's gonna go to Kabutops and Fuck, I.
MARY: Ferligatr hits first with Earthquake, and it's gonna pack the punch to take Kabutops out with one more strike. He's only got 87 Hit Points left, so he's got to take Feraligatr out now!
OAK: Kabutops sharpens his blades and delivers a punishing Slash to Feraligatr...
MARY: ...
OAK: ...
MARY: ...but Feraligatr is still standing! He lifts his foot high and slams it back down into the ground and delivers the finishing blow! Earthquake!
OAK: And it's all over, folks! Both champions fought valiantly, but in the end, our one and only Pokemon League Champion is Sandy of New Bark, Johto!
MARY: This was tense series of battles, from the first moment to the last, and I consider myself privileged to be here to witness it all in person.
OAK: I knew both of these boys just as they were starting out on their journeys; to think that they would both be here today as Pokemon League Champions and put up such heated battles with so much heart...it's just incredible.
BIRCH: I figured he'd win.
OAK: Well, why didn't you bother to share that prediction with us?!
BIRCH: Because fuck you, that's why.
MARY: You know, Professor...I'm beginning to think that Professor Birch is a bit peculiar.
OAK: Yes, Mary, he certainly--
OAK: Holy shit! How the hell did you get here so fast from Ever Grande City?!
MARY: This is a blog, Professor! It isn't actually live! We did this all weeks ago!
OAK: This is the moment you've all been waiting for, Poke-manics! The Pokemon have been selected, the trainers are ready, and the audience has been waiting far too long! On behalf of WPKM, I, Professor Samuel Oak, am proud to give you...
FUCK, I vs. SANDY
OAK: Here we go! The stage is set, the combatants are ready, DJ Mary is out on the field...and the first balls have been thrown out for Round One of the first battle!
ROUND ONE:
Fuck, I's Dugtrio, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Pidgeot, lvl 70
MARY: Oh, that is not a good start for Fuck, I.
OAK: Indeed. It wasn't very likely that Sandy would have started the match with Pidgeot, but something tells me that this a great execution of reverse-psychology.
MARY: Dugtrio has the Speed advantage and claws into Pidgeot with a Slash attack, bring Sandy's Pokemon down to 198/245 Hit Points.
OAK: And it looks like Pidgeot has just flown up into the air. Of course, in response, Fuck, has Dugtrio prepare to use his Dig attack, giving Dugtrio just a little more time on the field.
MARY: Both attacks are unsuccessful; Fly misses and Dig is ineffective against the Flying-type Pidgeot.
OAK: Both champions now realize that two of their most powerful attacks cannot be used to do damage so long as Dugtrio has the upper hand in Speed.
MARY: Pidgeot wails into Dugtrio with a Wing Attack, and Dugtrio promptly responds with a Slash...the exchange is repeated, with a Wing Attack from Pidgeot and a Slash from Dugtrio...and Dugtrio falls after another swift hit from Pidgeot's Wing Attack--!
OAK: Mary, there seems to be some commotion out on the field. What's going on?
MARY: Apparently, a Poke Ball was accidentally dropped from Fuck, I's hand and is being counted as an officially called Pokemon!
OAK: Being clumsy after your first battle loss is not the way to win the match, but the judges are saying that Fuck, I must play the Poke Ball as it lays, so to speak. Let's hope it won't be too detrimental.
ROUND TWO:
Fuck, I's Zapdos, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Pidgeot, lvl 70
MARY: Well, that certainly turned out fortunate for Fuck, I!
OAK: Yes indeed, and with only 104 Hit Points left from her total, Pidgeot would appear to be a sitting duck--
MARY: Oh! The skies open up and Zapdos connects with a powerful Thunder attack, sending Pidgeot out of this match! The match is currently tied at five remaining Pokemon for each of our champions, all with full health. Let's see how Sandy responds to his first encounter with a legendary bird.
ROUND THREE:
Fuck, I's Zapdos, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
OAK: A solid choice from Sandy, and an easy way to lure out his opponent's Charizard for an early defeat, if Fuck, I takes the bait, of course.
MARY: Zapdos has the Speed advantage on this one and brings Jynx down to 81/200 Hit Points with a very powerful Drill Peck.
OAK: And I see that Jynx has responded with Icy Wind, as opposed to the more powerful Ice Punch or Blizzard. That should take Zapdos down to 127/247 Hit Points--
MARY: And Jynx connects again with an Ice Punch and takes down Zapdos!
OAK: Incredible! Sandy must have known that Zapdos' advantage over Jynx in Speed was very little, so if he could reduce his opponent's Speed by just enough, Jynx could attack twice before Zapdos was able to respond to the one-two punch!
MARY: Fuck, I is carefully going over his remaining Pokemon. Does he want to send out Charizard now? Let's see...
ROUND FOUR:
Fuck, I's Kabutops, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: Oh, an interesting choice here, Professor!
OAK: Indeed! Kabutops definitely packs a punch to take Jynx out and the resistance to survive most Ice-type attacks, but Jynx has the Speed advantage--
MARY: Kabutops has just fallen asleep! Jynx used Lovely Kiss and now Kabutops can't attack until it wakes up!
OAK: This is a classic strategy from Sandy. Let's see how he uses the time he's been given.
MARY: Wow, three Ice Punches in a row! Kabutops is left at just 56 Hit Points from his original 195!
OAK: Oh, it looks like Kabutops is finally waking up!
MARY: Oh my, that Slash attack sure did the trick! Jynx is down! Jynx is out of the match!
ROUND FIVE:
Fuck, I's Kabutops, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 70
OAK: Sandy sends out his starting Pokemon, Feraligatr. I can see where he's going to go with this. Feraligatr has Kabutops on Speed and he has one attack that can end Kabutop's participation in this battle rather swftly.
MARY: And there it is, Professor! Earthquake! Kabutops can't handle the heat and is no longer able to battle!
OAK: Now, Fuck, I has a very important decision to make: does he send out Mewtwo now, or wait?
MARY: If he was smart, he would not try to send out Charizard until Feraligatr was out of the picture.
ROUND SIX:
Fuck, I's Articuno, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 70
OAK: Articuno definitely has the upper hand here; Surf and Ice Punch won't be very effective, and Earthquake won't have any effect at all. Feraligatr will have to rely on Return.
MARY: It won't hit on this turn, though, since Articuno has just flown up high into the sky! We can see where this is going.
OAK: And Articuno's Fly attack hits! 193/248 Hit Points remaining for Feraligatr.
MARY: Oh, it doesn't look as though Return is going to help Feraligatr too much in this battle. Sandy's gonna have to work hard and come up with a new strategy.
OAK: Articuno hits with an Ice Beam and takes Feraligatr down to 150/248 Hit Points.
MARY: Return hits again and Articuno is down to 124/243 Hit Points. This may end up working for Feraligatr, so long as he can survive the hits from Articuno.
OAK: Articuno looks like it's gearing up for another Fly attack.
MARY: That's right, Professor. It evades another Return attack and comes down hard, bringing Feraligatr down to only 94 Hit Points--
OAK: Wait, what is this?!
MARY: Surf! It's Feraligatr's Surf! Sandy must be waiting for Articuno to come down to within range for Feraligatr to hit it hard with a Water-type attack!
OAK: This is certainly the way to go here!
MARY: Wait...is Articuno flying up again? Why isn't Fuck, I hitting hard with Blizzard?
OAK: I don't think Fuck, I sees what Sandy's doing. Besides, Blizzard is a risky maneuver with its low accuracy, and Fly still has a chance.
MARY: Well, Articuno swoops down...and Feraligatr is still in it! He only 41 Hit Points but he's still in it!
OAK: That's all the opening Sandy needs!
MARY: There goes the Surf attack, and there goes Articuno!
OAK: An outstanding display of endurance! We thought Articuno might be the one to take down Feraligatr if it came down to it, but boy were we mistaken!
ROUND SEVEN:
Fuck, I's Charizard, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 70
MARY: What is Fuck, I doing?!
OAK: Ha! I'm really proud of Fuck, I for this one! He's studied his opponent when Sandy fought Lance and he remembered that Charizard has Feraligatr beat when it comes to Speed; that's been a continuous mistake from Sandy, and he's going to lose a strong competitor here in a way reminiscent of that mistake.
MARY: Charizard uses Strength and Feraligatr has fallen! But Fuck, I isn't out of the woods just yet!
ROUND EIGHT:
Fuck, I's Charizard, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 70
OAK: Sandy definitely has the type-advantage here, but that Charizard packs a punch and it's going to hit first.
MARY: And pack a punch, Charizard does! Fire Blast knocks Ampharos down to 126/247 Hit Points.
OAK: Will Sandy risk the accuracy for the power?
MARY: It looks like he will...and it hits! Thunder hits--!
OAK: Oh my word, Charizard is taken down in one shot! Such power!
MARY: Sandy may have three Pokemon left on his team, but Fuck, I only has the one, and this could be a major turning point.
ROUND NINE:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 70
OAK: And there it is. Mewtwo is finally out onto the battlefield.
MARY: Mewtwo is much faster than Ampharos, and it shows with its lightning-fast Psychic attack, leaving Ampharos with just 24 Hit Points left.
OAK: Sandy seems to know that Ampharos doesn't have much of a chance against Mewtwo, so he has to resort to thinking ahead. Flash blinds Mewtwo and lowers his accuracy...but it doesn't look like it's been lowered enough.
MARY: Psychic hits again and Ampharos is down!
OAK: Now...is Sandy going to use Alakazam and go for the kill quickly, or try to use Magmar to make Alakazam's job easier?
ROUND TEN:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Magmar, lvl 70
MARY: Sandy decided to go with Magmar! Let's see how he fairs against this powerhouse of a Pokemon...
OAK: Mewtwo unleashes a massive Hyper Beam and very nearly destroys Magmar! He's only got 77/201 Hit Points left, but Magmar now has two attacks. Let's hope Sandy uses this time wisely.
MARY: Magmar pelts Mewtwo with two consecutive Flamethrower attacks, bringing Mewtwo down to 93/273 Hit Points, but Sandy can't get his hopes up if Mewtwo still has the chance to attack.
OAK: Fuck, I takes this time to have Mewtwo use Recover, and Mewtwo regains a massive amount of Hit Points. 229/273 after Recover is nothing to shake a finger at.
MARY: Magmar keeps at it with another Flamethrower, knocking Mewtwo down to 136/273 Hit Points, and--wait a second. Something is wrong with Mewtwo! It looks like he's hurt bad...could it be--?
OAK: Mewtwo has been burned! This is a major turning point! This cannot be healed as a result of Recover and there is no way for Fuck, I to cure Mewtwo of the burn! This is going to peck away at Mewtwo every time it moves!
MARY: This is completely unexpected! Mewtwo takes out Magmar with a focused Psychic attack, but this is exactly what Alakazam needs to secure the victory!
FINAL ROUND:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Alakazam, lvl 70
OAK: Mewtwo starts the battle off with another Recover, but because of the burn, it can only heal it back up to 238 Hit Points. This is going to cripple Mewtwo's healing ability.
MARY: The Shadow Ball from Alakazam hits, and in addition to the burn, Mewtwo is knocked down to 174/273 Hit Points--
OAK: Mewtwo unleashes a Hyper Beam once again, but will it be enough?
MARY: Alakazam is hurting...but he's still in it!
OAK: This could be it for Fuck, I! Mewtwo needs time to recharge, but in all that time, Alakazam is going to strike twice and that burn is going to really takes its toll.
MARY: Sandy hits again with Alakazam's Shadow Ball and Mewtwo is not looking good!
OAK: This will be a tremendous upset if Sandy can pull this off!
MARY: Mewtwo is still recharging, the burn is still raging, and Alakazam blasts Mewtwo with another Shadow Ball. If this doesn't take down Mewtwo, that's gonna be the opportunity for Mewtwo to Recover and turn the tides.
OAK: The Shadow Ball hits...
MARY: ...
OAK: ...
MARY: ...
OAK: Mewtwo has fallen! Sandy has won the first round of the Battle of Champions!
MARY: Wow, that sure was exhilarating!
OAK: Fuck, I's going to need to win the next two battle back-to-back if he's going to want to win this thing, which is not out of his grasp.
MARY: The competitors are taking their injured Pokemon over to the nurses from the local Pokemon Center for healing and will be right back at it in just a little while.
OAK: We'll take a short break and when we return, part two of Fuck, I versus Sandy!
