FUCK, I vs. SANDY
CONTINUED
MARY: Professor Oak! Professor, the champions are returning from the nurses' station and are ready to battle!
OAK: Fantastic news! Thank you, DJ Mary! Now, WPKM is proud to broadcast the continuation of the Fuck, I-Sandy match, the first ever battle between two reigning Pokemon League Champions! Let's see how this battle will turn out!
ROUND ONE:
Fuck, I's Articuno, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: Oh, that's so interesting! Both champions decided to lead with their Ice-type Pokemon!
OAK: This is sure to be a knock-down, drag-out fight, since neither one of them has a significant edge over the other.
MARY: Jynx hits Articuno with Lovely Kiss! The legendary bird has fallen asleep!
OAK: This is another unfortunate start for Fuck, I, but let's not count him out just yet.
MARY: Jynx connects with two Ice Punches, but she misses her Blizzard attack and, with that, the chance to end this battle quickly before Articuno wakes up.
OAK: And Fuck, I responds by having Articuno cast Mist on the battlefield. It's a solid technique, but in this case, the only stat drop Fuck, I would have to worry about is Speed from Icy Wind, but Jynx already has the Speed advantage here. Not the wisest of moves.
MARY: Another Ice Punch from Jynx and Articuno is down to just 2 Hit Points from its original 243!
OAK: I see that Articuno is preparing to use Fly, a smart move to buy Fuck, I a little more time to think.
MARY: Jynx misses her Icy Wind attack and takes significant damage from Articuno's Fly, reducing her to 82 Hit Points...but with one more swift Ice Punch, Articuno is down! Just five more victories and Sandy will walk away as the undisputed champion!
ROUND TWO:
Fuck, I's Charizard, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: It looks like Fuck, I isn't playing around here! He wants to take down Sandy and bad!
OAK: Remember, though, Charizard is not as strong defensively against Ice-type attacks as other Fire-type Pokemon, so Fuck, I will need to be very careful.
MARY: Jynx leads off again with Lovely Kiss and Charizard is fast asleep!
OAK: The famous Jynx Date-Rape Technique in full effect here--
MARY: Oh my lord! Blizzard hits, doing massive damage to Charizard, but he's still snoozing!
OAK: This could be very bad news for Fuck, I.
MARY: One Ice Punch...two Ice Punches...and Charizard has fainted!
OAK: Fuck, I has got to focus here! He can't let this bad start affect his performance in the rest of the match. The next choice could make or break his chances here today!
ROUND THREE:
Fuck, I's Dugtrio, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
OAK: Here we go! Dugtrio is critical for getting the first hit on Jynx, but he's also very weak to Ice-type attacks. Fuck, I needs to knock Jynx out with one shot!
MARY: Dugtrio has dug deep down into the ground! Jynx's Lovely Kiss isn't going to reach him down there!
OAK: And there it is! There's that powerful Dig attack Fuck, I's Dugtrio is known for, and it's just enough to take Jynx down! It's gonna be an uphill battle for Fuck, I, especially considering who Sandy is most likely to pick next.
ROUND FOUR:
Fuck, I's Dugtrio, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: This is no surprise here, Professor. We all knew Pidgeot is here to specifically gun for Dugtrio.
OAK: Let's see if Dugtrio can pull off a victory against Pidgeot this time...
MARY: Dugtrio kicked up a lot of dirt and used Sand-Attack on Pidgeot!
OAK: This may be the only way Dugtrio can beat this tough bird; reduce Pidgeot's accuracy, take his time with Slash, and hope the sand will keep Pidgeot so blind she can't attack with any kind of reliability.
MARY: That certainly isn't the case just yet, as Pidgeot knocks into Dugtrio with Steel Wing, taking Dugtrio down to 116/175 Hit Points.
OAK: That put enough pressure on Fuck, I to make him order Dugtrio to start using Slash, and that will bring Pidgeot to 159/245 Hit Points.
MARY: Steel Wing hits again and Dugtrio has less than 70 Hit Points to work with, so this may be over soon.
OAK: Fuck, I is praying for more time, and that's evident in Dugtrio using Sand-Attack once again--
MARY: But it just isn't enough! Wing Attack connects and sends Dugtrio into unconsciousness!
OAK: I beginning to think that Fuck, I is a little flustered and that's causing him to make some rash decisions when it comes to battling. Let's hope he can pull himself together, because as it stands right now, Sandy still has five Pokemon left, but Fuck, I only has three.
ROUND FIVE:
Fuck, I's Zapdos, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Jynx, lvl 70
MARY: Here we go! Zapdos is out once more and Fuck, I looks like he's out for blood!
OAK: It's no secret that Fuck, I has leaned on Zapdos for many of his victories, but will Zapdos be enough to carry him far enough to secure a victory here and carry him into a third match?
MARY: Zapdos is charging up...and ka-pow! What a Thunder attack! That's certainly enough to take Pidgeot out of contention for quite some time!
OAK: That's going to be a crucial morale-booster for Fuck, I. Let's see how Sandy's going to respond.
ROUND SIX:
Fuck, I's Zapdos, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Magmar, lvl 70
MARY: Well, this is a very peculiar choice! Professor, what do you think is going through Sandy's head?
OAK: It's simple: Sandy doesn't want to have to bring in Magmar against Kabutops, so he is going to use Magmar to whittle away at Zapdos until it's weak enough to be taken down by another one of his Pokemon.
MARY: Fascinating, Professor--Oh, that Drill Peck from Zapdos has got to hurt! Magmar is still standing strong at 119 Hit Points, which is much less than what he started out with, but enough to still cause damage.
OAK: Mary, it's getting awfully bright down there. What's going on?
MARY: Professor, Magmar has just used Sunny Day, and that should wreak havoc on Zapdos' accuracy for Thunder...and it did! Zapdos' Thunder just missed Magmar by a hair!
OAK: And Magmar replies with a Flamethrower attack, now empowered further by the bright sunlight! Zapdos is left with 106/247 Hit Points, but Zapdos has come back from much less in the past.
MARY: Ooh, that's gotta hurt! Zapdos finally connects with Thunder and knocks Magmar into next week!
OAK: Now, what was Sandy saving to try to take down Zapdos?
ROUND SEVEN:
Fuck, I's Zapdos, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 70
MARY: An interesting call. This is the second time in this battle that the champions have pitted type against type. Let's see how they will try to overcome the obvious obstacles when fighting with the same type of Pokemon.
OAK: Ah ha! Zapdos seems to have paralyzed Ampharos with Thunder Wave! Sure, Zapdos already had the Speed advantage, but now with Ampharos paralyzed, he may not even be able to attack!
MARY: Ampharos doesn't seem to be able to move just yet, and it takes a punishing Drill Peck, taking him down to 208 Hit Points!
OAK: Ampharos shakes it off and lands a solid Thunderpunch on Zapdos. If I'm not mistaken, that leaves Zapdos with just 22 Hit Points remaining--well, what is this!
MARY: Light Screen? That isn't going to be enough to stop Ampharos from taking out Zapdos with that solid Thunderpunch.
OAK: It may not be, but Light Screen is going to stick around for a little while longer, meaning Fuck, I's next Pokemon will have some strong protection against Special Attacks.
ROUND EIGHT:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 70
OAK: I didn't think Fuck, I would send out Kabutops, as he would still be weak to Electric-type attacks, but Mewtwo would be a powerhouse behind Zapdos' Light Screen!
MARY: Wow! Mewtwo unleashed a monstrous Psychic attack that critically injured Ampharos!
OAK: Ampharos is down! This is exactly why Fuck, I is such a powerful contender; he not only has the ability to catch and train legendary Pokemon, but he knows how to use them as a team to maximum effectiveness!
ROUND NINE:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Ampharos, lvl 70
MARY: Alakazam has been called out onto the battlefield, but can he do the job this time?
OAK: Last time, Mewtwo was burned and already damaged from battle, but now, Mewtwo is not only at peak condition, but reinforced behind a Light Screen. This could spell the end for Sandy in this match.
MARY: Mewtwo unleashes Hyper Beam, and good golly is it stronger than it was last time! Alakazam is left with a mere 50 Hit Points!
OAK: Alakazam needs to cover a lot of ground before Mewtwo and strike again, but I don't think Shadow Ball is going to get him there.
MARY: Two Shadow Balls and Mewtwo is only taken down to 146 Hit Points. Fuck, I has got to be very pleased with that Light Screen--
OAK: Another Hyper Beam takes out Alakazam! My goodness, Fuck, I is pulling no punches!
MARY: This is Sandy's last Pokemon, and it's gonna have to find a way to take down Mewtwo! Can Feraligatr pull it off?
ROUND TEN:
Fuck, I's Mewtwo, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 70
OAK: The Light Screen has faded, the Sunny Day is long gone, and Mewtwo is recharging from that last Hyper Beam. Feraligatr has his opening!
MARY: The ground is trembling as Feraligatr unleashes a powerful Earthquake! Not enough to take down Mewtwo, though, and Fuck, I is going to use that opening for Mewtwo's Recover.
OAK: And another Earthquake from Feraligatr, but after all that trouble, Mewtwo is actually one Hit Point higher than he was starting off this battle! Sandy is going to need to change tactics and fast if he's going to pull a victory from behind.
MARY: Mewtwo fires another powerful Hyper Beam, and this one slams into Feraligatr for 92 points of damage. Sandy's got one hell of a sturdy Pokemon there!
OAK: Feraligatr charges into Mewtwo...Ice Punch! There's a change of tactics, but I don't know how effective that will be.
MARY: What do you mean, Professor?
OAK: Sandy is trying to freeze Mewtwo! Another Ice Punch while Mewtwo is recharging takes him down to 69 Hit Points, but a swift Recover brings Mewtwo back up to 205 Hit Points.
MARY: The crowd here in Ever Grande City is on its feet, cheering for the underdog Feraligatr to deliver that crushing blow. He winds up for another attack, and he connects with a third Ice Punch--he's done it! Sandy has done it! Mewtwo is frozen solid!
OAK: Incredible! The chances of Mewtwo suffering from burning and freezing in the same competition is astronomical, but it would appear as though fate is on Sandy's side!
MARY: Sandy is not going to let this opportunity slip through his fingers, let me tell you that! First, Feraligatr rips the ground apart with a devastating Earthquake, then, it looks like--yes! Sandy's Feraligatr has just used Surf! Mewtwo is not looking good at all!
OAK: And Mewtwo is still frozen! Whether this is remarkable luck, remarkable skill, or both, Sandy has a tremendous advantage here--!
MARY: Mewtwo is down! I repeat, Mewtwo is down! One final Ice Punch sent the psychic menace into quite the coma!
OAK: This is it, folks! Fuck, I is forced into using Kabutops, and Feraligatr's Earthquake will surely make short work of him!
FINAL ROUND:
Fuck, I's Kabutops, lvl 70 vs. Sandy's Feraligatr, lvl 70
MARY: Professor, do you think Fuck, I can pull this off?
OAK: I doubt it, at this point. Kabutops doesn't have the Speed advantage here, nor any real advantage other than more Hit Points than Feraligatr. If Feraligatr can't take Kabutops out with two attacks, then it's gonna go to Kabutops and Fuck, I.
MARY: Ferligatr hits first with Earthquake, and it's gonna pack the punch to take Kabutops out with one more strike. He's only got 87 Hit Points left, so he's got to take Feraligatr out now!
OAK: Kabutops sharpens his blades and delivers a punishing Slash to Feraligatr...
MARY: ...
OAK: ...
MARY: ...but Feraligatr is still standing! He lifts his foot high and slams it back down into the ground and delivers the finishing blow! Earthquake!
OAK: And it's all over, folks! Both champions fought valiantly, but in the end, our one and only Pokemon League Champion is Sandy of New Bark, Johto!
MARY: This was tense series of battles, from the first moment to the last, and I consider myself privileged to be here to witness it all in person.
OAK: I knew both of these boys just as they were starting out on their journeys; to think that they would both be here today as Pokemon League Champions and put up such heated battles with so much heart...it's just incredible.
BIRCH: I figured he'd win.
OAK: Well, why didn't you bother to share that prediction with us?!
BIRCH: Because fuck you, that's why.
MARY: You know, Professor...I'm beginning to think that Professor Birch is a bit peculiar.
OAK: Yes, Mary, he certainly--
OAK: Holy shit! How the hell did you get here so fast from Ever Grande City?!
MARY: This is a blog, Professor! It isn't actually live! We did this all weeks ago!
OAK: What the fuck am I doing with my life?
Mewtwo screwed the pooch. Hyper Beam is a total waste of two turns. In that same amount of time he could have done almost twice the damage by using Psychic. One of the hardest lessons for Pokemon players to learn is just how useless two-turn-recharge moves are...
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