The Jagged Pass is exactly what I thought it was: an arbitrary obstacle-style one-way path to get to the next important city full of trainers and little rocky line doo-dads that you can't jump over or ride your bike over--
Wait...oh, goddamn it.
Alright...this better work--
YEAH! POPPIN' WHEELIE, BUNNY-HOPPIN', GET THEM SWEET-ASS GOODS! WOO!
It's like the fucking second I decide to use Bike X, the game tells me I need Bike Y. What about a bike that does everything, or better yet...a jump button for the character? I can jump. I'm sure this little dude can jump. He can sprint for long distances, so he's already more athletic than I. Let the boy jump!
But wait...a not-so-important addition has been made to the PC box! BEHOLD!
Spoink, lvl 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Ability: Thick Fat
HP: 57
Attack: 20
Defense: 25
Special Attack: 33
Special Defense: 39
Speed: 27
I do so love me some Spoink. If Tom Cedar has the chance to catch a Spoink, he's gonna, because shit is cute--
Do you not know who Tom Cedar is? I...I just...I don't know how that's possible at this point.
Anyway, no more Wingull.
Pelipper, lvl 25
HP: 70
Attack: 39
Defense: 62
Special Attack: 50
Special Defense: 46
Speed: 43
This motherfucker is going to be the destroyer of worlds, and here's why:
Firstly, he's Water/Flying, and being able to encounter him in the wild before you can even access Poke Balls is terrifying. Furthermore, he makes all of the starters fucking whimper in fear. Torchic is boned right out of the gate, because he's weak to Water-type attacks straight away, and when he levels up and adopts the Fighting-type, he becomes weak to Flying-type attacks as well. Treecko can't do as much to this guy since the Flying-type will lessen the weakness to Grass-type attacks caused by the Water-type aspect of Pelipper, but Treecko would still have to contend with all of the Flying-type attacks. Mudkip stands the best chance, but if you evolve it, it will adopt the Ground-type and not only lose its strength against Water-type attacks, but Pelipper is immune to any Ground-type attacks you might try to throw at it. You can't win.
Secondly, the next gym is a Fire-type gym. The only Fire-types I've encountered so far are Slugma and Numel, which become Fire/Rock and Fire/Ground at the end of their evolution cycles. Water-type attacks will deal four times the damage they would regularly, so that shit is gonna be sweet. Furthermore, any Ground-type attacks will be ineffective.
Thirdly, just look at this guy:
That's a terrifying prospect.
Finally, after what seemed like years of trekking and backtracking, I reach Lavaridge Town. Furthermore, it's a dead end. The only way is to go back the way I came, so that would mean the following:
A) There's a Strength boulder in the Fiery Path, and I already have HM 04, so this badge is going to let me use the move outside of battle.
B) The only other gym leader accessible currently is my dad, Norman, so he's going to be next.
C) The parts of the map I cannot access are out of the way because I do not know Surf, which I will probably gain access to before or after beating the Petalburg Gym, whose badge will let use the move outside of battle.
D) Pelipper will learn Surf soon and become the harbinger of destruction.
Before we head to the gym, let's just check some shit out around here--
Old lady gave me an egg! I have no idea what is in this egg! I must hatch this egg! But later...I don't have Fly yet, so there's plenty of time to hatch this bad boy.
Really? That's it? That's all that's in this town? Okay then. We shall go to the gym.
Okay...fuck this gym. Fuck it. It's like Saffron City, but worse. You have to remember the layouts of both floors and figure our which holes correspond with which holes on another floor, and fuckers pop out of some holes...just ugh.
Bitch, I blame you for this nonsense.
Lavaridge Town Gym: Flannery, Who Has No Idea How To Create A Dramatic Moment
Apparently, she inherited this position as gym leader from her grandfather, and also apparently, he never told her how to do a dramatic gym leader introduction because she fumbled the shit out of it. I just hope she's not another Falkner.
Seriously, fuck Falkner.
ROUND ONE:
Kevin's Pelipper, lvl 27 vs. Flannery's Numel, lvl 24
Called it, didn't I? This is not going to be pretty.
Water Gun is a one-hit knockout. Okay. Great. Who's next?
ROUND TWO:
Kevin's Pelipper, lvl 27 vs. Flannery's Slugma, lvl 24
I so called it! I am really going to enjoy this--
Wow, so Water Gun didn't take it out in one shot, but Slugma's in the deep red and there isn't a whole lot Flannery can do at this point.
Light Screen is a good choice. Slugma's gonna die, but at least you can protect--
I'm sorry...did you just use a Hyper Potion on the slug?!?! COME ON!!!! I finally get up to a level where a Super Potion can't over-heal my Pokemon, and the gym leaders are whipping out the HYPER POTIONS!!!!
FINE! WATER GUN IT TWICE IN A GODDAMN ROW AND KILL THE CUNT!
There! Now what, bitch?
ROUND THREE:
Kevin's Pelipper, lvl 27 vs. Flannery's Camerupt, lvl 26
This isn't going to go very well for Flannery either, but that Light Screen is going to cause some serious nonsense to prevent a full sweep.
Water Gun hit's Camerupt and take it down to a little over half health, so that's not bad.
I'm assuming it hit Pelipper with Tackle because Flannery's A.I. told her not to use a Fire-type or Ground-type attack because that would be dumb.
Water Gun again, and Camerupt is hanging on by a thread. Just don't pull any bullshit out on me.
Sunny Day? Now that's a good call. Since the Light Screen is still up and Sunny Day is going to last for a while as well, Flannery's last Pokemon will stand a very good chance against Pelipper--
...fucking Hyper Potion again.
Double Water Gun takes Camerupt right back down to where it was before the potion. Congratulations, Flannery...you've managed to take away two power-points from the one Water-type attack that this guy has had since Level 2, which is to say he's got at least 20 more Water Guns in him before he has to try something else. Way to go.
Camerupt uses Tackle again, so after two of those over the course of the entire gym challenge, Pelipper is down to 57/74 health. Completely manageable.
The final Water Gun hits and Camerupt becomes Camelaydownmotionlessontheground.
ROUND FOUR:
Kevin's Pelipper, lvl 27 vs. Flannery's Torkoal, lvl 29
Alright, now this is a bit more of a challenge! Let's do this thing!
Water Gun hits and does minimal damage. Well...shit.
Attract?! Oh, fuck, we've got a Whitney here in Lavaridge. This is going to end so poorly. At least the sunlight faded by now.
Pelipper is immobilized by love. Come on, dude! It's a turtle! You can't even have sex with it! You are a bird and it is a turtle!
Sunny Day makes it a terrible time for Pelipper again, should he actually be able to get an attack off on Torkoal...
Which he fucking can't because he's in love with it! COME ON! YOUR CHILDREN WOULD BE MONSTERS!
Body Slam hits Pelipper, taking him down to 40/74 HP and paralyzing him. This is too much for Pelipper to overcome right now. Even if he manages to overcome the attraction, he could still be paralyzed and not able to move. I don't like those odds. Gotta swap.
ROUND FOUR (cont.):
Kevin's Graveler, lvl 25 vs. Flannery's Torkoal, lvl 29
Graveler is actually female, so Attract won't work, Sunny Day won't affect her attack power, and she has the type-advantage--
WOAH! What the fuck was that?! Overheat just knocked out Graveler in one shot!
Wait...it severely lowers Torkoal's Special Attack whenever she uses it. I have a plan!
ROUND FIVE:
Kevin's Vigoroth, lvl 22 vs. Flannery's Torkoal, lvl 29
You'll be able to knock him out fairly quickly, but you're not faster than he is, and all I need is some time to get one move off.
Yawn, motherfucker! Boom!
And, of course, Overheat is a knockout blow...just as predicted. Good...good...
ROUND SIX:
Kevin's Kirlia, lvl 24 vs. Flannery's Torkoal, lvl 29
I know what you're thinking, Flannery: what is Kirlia going to do? The answer is nothing!
I use a Revive to resurrect the angry knocked-out Graveler! Haha, fucker!
And not only does Torkoal fall asleep at the end of its next turn, but Overheat missed and the sunlight from Sunny Day fades! This is my time to strike! SWAP!
ROUND SIX (cont.):
Kevin's Graveler, lvl 25 vs. Flannery's Torkoal, lvl 29
That's right...rest, little turtle. Don't you worry about the oncoming destruction.
Magnitude 8 brings Torkoal down to the yellow. It's not low enough to convince Flannery to use the Hyper Potion that I fucking know she has waiting, so that's good.
AND TORKOAL STAYS ASLEEP! NO POTION! NO NOTHING! Okay, Graveler...we need a serious hit here. Magnitude one more time...
5. Damn--
But it's a critical hit! Torkoal goes down! Hell yeah!
Heatbadge, motherfucker! Also, the Overheat TM, which might be handy at some point. Maybe for some other Pokemon down the line, because I don't want the eventual Blaziken to learn it. I guess I should head back to the Fiery Path right down this hill and check out the--
Where the hell did you come from?! Oh, no...no, no, no...not now--
Uh...thank you?
I CAN GO INTO THE DESERT WITH THESE THINGS?! FUCK YEAH!!!!!
Also, you say I should go to the Petalburg Gym now? Yeah, I pretty much figured that would be my next step. Thanks, though. Gotta do the Strength thing first.
And, of course, it's a Strength puzzle. I fucking hate Strength puzzles in places where I can also run into wild Pokemon. It's just an unnecessary hiccup in my puzzle-solving rhythm.
After all that, I walked away with the Toxic TM, a Fire Stone, and a Torkoal of my very own. Funny, I don't remember encountering them when I was in here earlier...
Torkoal, lvl 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Ability: White Smoke
HP: 49
Attack: 33
Defense: 51
Special Attack: 34
Special Defense: 28
Speed: 11
He's really not that good, to be honest with you, but maybe I'll teach this guy Overheat--
You know what? If I'm going up against Norman soon, I should figure out what moves I should teach some of my stronger Pokemon. I've already given Strength to Mightyena, but I think he could also do well with Dig; those two moves combined with Thief and Bite should work fairly well.
Oh...I know what I'm gonna do!
Pelipper...you now know Wing Attack, Water Gun, Mist...and Shock Wave! Ain't nobody gonna expect that shit!
I'm gonna swap some people out and give my old-school heavy-hitters a chance to come back, posibly even evolve before I take on Norman. The grinding will commence now.
Daddy! I'm comin' to get 'cha!
Pelipper, lvl 28
Combusken, lvl 25
Graveler, lvl 25
Kirlia, lvl 24
Shroomish, lvl 21
Aron, lvl 20
Pokedex: 33, Badges: 4
