Maxie, the leader of Team Magma...is a fucking dude?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
Okay...
Okay, wait...
Hold on...
Just...
FUCKING WHAT?!?!?!
Okay...let me explain to you how badly you fucked up here, GameFreak.
Number One: You called this fucker "Maxie". Have you ever met a guy named Maximilian on his birth certificate? Clearly you haven't. If you tried to call that guy "Maxie", do you know what he'd say? "Dude...could you...could you not fucking call me that?" "Maxie" has got to be the weakest fucking male name-to-nickname transition on the face of the earth. If this isn't a nickname, then his parents must have fucking hated him, because that is the worst goddamned name of all time. You sentence your child to social death if you name him "Maxie". Just...don't fucking do it. Also, who the fuck is going to respect a superior named "Maxie". Archie isn't very intimidating, but at least you sort of get the feeling that he's like one of the guys, just don't fuck him over or he'll kill you. I don't have to say shit about Giovanni, because that shit is intimidating. Maxie, though? Alright...which of these sounds real?
"Uh oh...Giovanni is going to have our heads if we don't get that Pokemon back."
"Uh oh...Maxie is going to have our heads if we don't get that Pokemon back."
Maxie is what you call Maxine until she turns thirty, then she gets too old for that sorority-ass nickname.
Number Two: You gave this guy some chick-ass hair. You gave this guy a dress-lookin' shirt. You have this guy with his hand on his hip like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Goddamn it, even the sprite looks like it has a fucking boob-shadow!
You see that shadow-swoosh right above the red zigzags? Looks like you're highlighting tits here, people! Come the fuck on! You made this guy look like an older, angry, man-like broad as opposed to making him look like a fucking man! I mean, come on! Look at Archie!
He's got the open shirt. He's got the man-stance. HE'S GOT A FUCKING BEARD! For crying out loud, I'm looking at this guy on a tiny Gameboy Advance screen and I can tell this dude is a dude from outer fucking space! Did you think that I would be able to tell that Maxie is a man, despite your terrible design choices and the itty bitty screen?! Tell me it doesn't look like Maxie has fucking pigtails in that sprite and I will tell you the exact time of your death...which will be immediately after you utter that asinine fucking statement! HE LOOKS LIKE A WOMAN!!!!!!
Number Three: It makes so much more sense that Maxie is a woman than if Maxie is a man. Look at the struggle present between these two gangs. Aqua versus Magma. Blue versus red. Sea versus land. Man versus woman! How could you not fucking see this?! It would have made so much sense! Hell, there could have been a backstory where they were once lovers or some shit but their ideals drove them apart and now they hate each other. Jesus fucking Christ, how dense can you be not to be able to see that logical fucking dichotomy in the rivalry motif?! GAH!!! Also, I know I'm gonna get flamed so hard for this, but come the fuck on, now: blue is generally associated with males and red is generally associated with females. You even get the baby blue and pink gender symbols next to the Pokemon to tell you its sex. Why the fuck wouldn't you stick with that?! Why?! What gender-stereotypes are you trying to break here? Color association? Fuck you. No! Just fuck you!
Number Four: I just...ugh.
From this point on, I'm referring to "him" as a woman. I am taking his gender away. I'm revoking the man-card. That's it. No more man-card. Maxie is a girl now. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that; in fact, everything is wrong with him being a man. I am setting things right, now.
Just...just take this and deal with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment