Switchy-Ass Button Doors

Jesus, this place...

Also, does someone want to tell me about what legal motion was passed in Hoenn that required important buildings to have their navigability massively hindered by fucking switchy-ass button doors?

Fucking seriously now...stop it.  Maybe it's just a Wattson thing, since this was in his gym as well as their power plant, but that asshole in the Trick House also did that recently.  I just want to walk from Point A to Point B without having to walk back to Point A to hit a switch, then realize that I can't get to Point B if I hit that switch, so I have to hit a switch at Point C to hit the Point F switch that will take me to Point D so I can--

FUCKING DOORS WITH KNOBS! USE DOORS WITH KNOBS!

Since this is a power plant, I can't evolve Tentacool just yet, but I know who could use a little more beef on his bones...

Fuck sparks.

Usually, I don't use these little guys at all, but since I know shit gets crazy with them later on (and because I really don't have a reliable Electric-type Pokemon yet), I figured I would risk it.

Magnemite, lvl 25

Gender: None

Nature: Careful

Ability: Sturdy

HP: 49

Attack: 29

Defense: 43

Special Attack: 54

Special Defense: 44

Speed: 33

And the little guy is holding a Metal Coat.  Free Steelix or Scizor...

...if I can find a fucking person alive with a Gen-III Pokemon game and a working Gameboy Advance.

Shout out if you have that shit.

So, I do this generator thing for Wattson and what does he give me? The one thing that would really inspire me to use my new Magnemite: the Thunderbolt TM.  KABOOM!

Beware, sluts! I'm bringing the thunder now! Ain't no more of this Pelipper sneak-attack bullshit! Now, we're for reals.

With New Mauville wrapped up, a nifty new Thunderstone in my pocket, and a new Pokemon friend, I  embark upon what may prove to be another grueling, perilous sea journey from Mauville's eastern coast...to the beyond!

Oh, well fuck you, somebody just build a fucking bridge already.  I can hit a motherfucker with a rock on the other shore if I threw it like a pussy, so someone call an architect.

Blaziken, lvl 36

Tentacool, lvl 32

Graveler, lvl 30

Machoke, lvl 29

Breloom, lvl 27

Aron, lvl 26

Pokedex: 44, Badges: 5

Too Much Fucking Water

Honestly, there's way too much water in Hoenn.  I mean, all I'm trying to do is beat all the trainers in the sea-routes that I missed on gull-boy's boat and I get treated to a fucking odyssey.  Look at this shit!

And this is just...

...the bottom-right corner...

...of the map.

There's apparently more water in Hoenn.

And everywhere...Tentacool.  Fuck you, Team Aqua.  Your shit is not gonna happen.  At least surfing is a lot faster in this generation.

But hey, Tentacool and Tentacruel are supposed to get a lot better in later games, so let's grab one, shall we? Besides, Tentacool come at such high levels around here, so the waiting time for it to evolve is minimal.

Tentacool, lvl 32

Gender: Male

Nature: Hardy

Ability: Clear Body

HP: 77

Attack: 34

Defense: 34

Special Attack: 42

Special Defense: 72

Speed: 55

Oh, and while fighting every fucking trainer in the region with a pair of swim trunks, little Machop grew up a bit.

Machop, lvl 29

Ability: Guts

HP: 90

Attack: 65

Defense: 51

Special Attack: 41

Special Defense: 36

Speed: 34

Now, I just need two things: a friend with Emerald and a GBA so I can trade-evolve my Graveler and Machoke, and the right fucking path to the next location with a gym.  I think it was off of Mauville City, so--

Wattson? What are you doing out of your gym?

A favor?

So, Mauvile City has an underground sector that's got this haywire generator that needs to be turned off? Sigh...side missions.  Alright fine--

Wait...is this place a power plant? Holy shit, Tom Cedar may have a future if Cythos turns around to bite him in the ass.

Again.

Hard.

er.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Blaziken, lvl 36

Tentacool, lvl 32

Machoke, lvl 29

Graveler, lvl 28

Breloom, lvl 27

Aron, lvl 26

Pokedex: 43, Badges: 5

Sweet Jesus What Have I Created?

I may have created a monster in preparation for fighting my father.  I mean, you'll see what I mean.

Petalburg City Gym: Norman, the Dad Who's Never Home

So, I knew this guy had a Slaking in his roster somewhere; he's pretty famous for it.  So, I needed to fill my team with strong Fighting-types to be super effective against the Normal-types and Rock-types or Steel-types so that his Pokemon wouldn't be very effective.  In the course of my training, however, I created a goddamn monster.

ROUND ONE:

Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 36     vs.     Norman's Spinda, lvl 27

Yeah...it happened.

Blaziken, lvl 36

Ability: Blaze

HP: 110

Attack: 97

Defense: 71

Special Attack: 89

Special Defense: 58

Speed: 70

I've heard that this bastard is illegal in competitive play because of his dreamworld ability that increases his speed with every turn, but fuck, I didn't even need that.

Double Kick knocks out Spinda in one turn.

ROUND TWO:

Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 36     vs.     Norman's Vigoroth, lvl 27

Double Kick knocks out Vigoroth in one turn.  Shit.

ROUND THREE:

Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 36     vs.     Norman's Linoone, lvl 29

Double Kick knocks out Linoone in one turn.  Fucking kaboom.  Only one left...and he's fat.

ROUND FOUR:

Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 36     vs.     Norman's Slaking, lvl 31

Alright, this fucker isn't going to go down in one move, so I better plan for the fact that I will have an extra turn when this dude loafs around.  Better Bulk Up.

Big boy uses Facade and Death-Chicken is down to 24/110 health thanks to a critical hit.  Shit...this isn't gonna end well if I can't take him out within these next two turns.  Besides, Norman will probably use that loafing turn to use a Hyper Potion and put me back to square one.  But I must try.

Double Kick hits hard and Slaking drops to the low yellow of the health bar.

It eats a Sitrus berry to heal a bit of health...

But Norman does not use the potion! Oh, happy day! Dad, you done goofed now.

Double Kick hits the Slaking and Slaking hits the floor.  Ba-zam! Done.  Balance badge.

I'm more than halfway to the Hoenn League Elite Four now.  All that's left is--

Who the hell are you? Wait...you're Wally's dad...or uncle...or whatever.  Why are you--?

Now...who should learn this move? Hmmm...

You still look dopey as shit, but alright.  Surf's up!

Blaziken, lvl 36

Pelipper, lvl 30

Graveler, lvl 27

Aron, lvl 25

Breloom, lvl 24

Machop, lvl 24

Pokedex: 41, Badges: 5

Where The Fuck Have I Been?

Where have I been?

This is where the fuck I've been.  Don't like that I ain't been playing Pokemon? How about you play some Defiance? Xbox 360.  Shit's got a TV show.

Anyway, a friend of mine had hernia surgery recently and ended up bedridden for quite some time...with this:

I wasn't about to just up and delete Fuck, I from the face of the earth just yet, so I reached into my Gameboy bag of tricks and goodies and came up with this:

GENERATION I SHOWDOWN, BUTT-FUCKERS! HERE ARE THE RULES:

1) No legendaries.
2) Only Gen-I Pokemon
3) No use of Missingno glitch

We revealed only 5 out of 6 Pokemon in our teams before the day of the battle, and this is what we came up with for teams...

Kevin's Team

Christian's Team

So...we both chose Nidoking and Gengar, we both chose an Eevee evolution, we both chose only Pokemon that you could acquire in all Generation I, and we didn't choose any Pokemon whose final form could be reached by just leveling-up.

Great.  I had no idea how this was going to turn out, and it took about three months to meet up and get this fight going, but it happened.  Unfortunately, I don't remember any of the numbers or the specific attacks sometimes, but I know details.  So, here's an abbreviated rundown of how it happened:

ROUND 1:

Kevin's Exeggutor    vs.     Christian's Nidoking

I was so fucking happy when I saw that he chose Nidoking to lead of with! Why? Because Exeggutor knows Psychic and a Special stat in the mid 200's.  This is going to be ugly.

He goes first, since Exeggutor moves like a fucking tree, so what does he pick as an opening move?

Fire Blast.

Knew I was boned, but when I discovered that I was still in the green of the health bar, I knew that Psychic was going to wipe--

He's been burned.  Great.  That will end the tree.  Luckily, Psychic proves to be a one-hit K.O., and I have to worry about one less on his team.

ROUND TWO:

Kevin's Exeggutor     vs.     Christian's Flareon

There is no mercy for Exeggutor this evening, but he shall persist.  He unleashes an Egg Bomb, but not a whole lot happened in the damage department. Funny...I thought Flareon had the lowest Defense of the -eons.

Flamethrower hits and brings my guy down to the red.  Butts.  He's going down fast and he's only got one turn left.  Better use Poison Powder and try to--

Flareon uses Flamethrower again.  Flareon must have been tied with Exeggutor for Speed and just beat out the tie this time.  Exeggutor goes down.

I don't want to risk Aerodactyl just yet, and I need to create a strong wall against the rest of my team.  I must reveal the mystery Pokemon on my team.

ROUND THREE:

Kevin's ????????     vs.     Christian's Flareon

What did I pick? My team-types broke down to cover nearly every type in the book, but there was still one gap that needed to be filled...

RECOVER STARMIE, BITCH! UH OH! QUICK-ASS SURF IN THE HOUSE! AIN'T GONNA TOUCH SHIT!

ROUND FOUR:

Kevin's Starmie vs. Christian's Raichu

Nope.  I need this guy.  I ain't letting my ice-water wall go down so soon.

SWAP!

Kevin's Nidoking vs. Christian's Raichu

Didn't see that coming, eh? Raichu's expected Thunderbolt does not affect the Nidoking, but Earthquake sure as shit affects you! Done! Who's next?

ROUND FIVE:

Kevin's Nidoking     vs.     Christian's Gengar

Gengar? Not bad? Gonna bank on high Special and Psychic-type moves? Okay.  I'm gonna bank on Speed.

Earthquake.  Done.  Next?

ROUND SIX:

Kevin's Nidoking     vs.     Christian's Dragonite

Well, fucks butts.  That's gonna be a toughie...would it not have been for Ice Beam on my MOTHERFUCKING STARMIE!

SWAP!

Kevin's Starmie     vs. Christian's Dragonite

Starmie takes a Hyper Beam, but it only does about 1/3 of my guy's total health in damage.  I know Starmie got the Speed on Dragonite, so let's do this.

Recover.  Full health.

Recharging.  See you later, Dragonite.

Ice Beam.  One shot.  One kill.  Adios.

ROUND SEVEN:

Kevin's Starmie vs. Christian's Tauros

My good boy....it's not going to end well.

You Stomp me?

I Surf you.

You Earthquake me?

I Recover. 

Your Earthquake me again?

I Surf you again.

You faint? I win.

Done, son.  Done.  Anyway...uh...

Shit! Emerald! What did you miss? Oh!

Breloom, lvl 23

Ability: Effect Spore

HP: 64

Attack: 65

Defense: 46

Special Attack: 41

Special Defense: 32

Speed: 44

Machop, lvl 22

Gender: Male

Nature: Rash

Ability: Guts

HP: 66

Attack: 41

Defense: 30

Special Attack: 25

Special Defense: 18

Speed: 22

Against Norman and his gym of specific rooms, I will need the Fighting-types.

This gym is specific.

Combusken, lvl 34

Pelipper, lvl 28

Graveler, lvl 25

Aron, lvl 24

Breloom, lvl 23

Machop, lvl 22

Pokedex: 40, Badges: 4

...

...

...wait, shit! I had 33 Pokemon when I wrote this last?! GAH! I need to remember what the other ones were!! I just added two, but I need 5 more!

Umm...

There ya go.

Fuck off.