Fuck Daycares

Alright...it's been a long fucking time.  Let's see how my Wailmer is doing.

He's the same fucking level?! How the hell did this happen?! What the hell did I pay you for?! For fuck's sake, gimme back my fatty! I'll do this the old-fashioned way while I look for a way to get to Ever Grande City.

You know, I never checked out that sunken ship.  Maybe there's some cool shit in there and I can level Wailmer.

This place is pretty fucked up...it's like the S.S. Anne meets the Lusitania.

Alright...we got plenty of time to explore, and it looks like there are trainers about.  Wailmer, take the Experience Share (that doesn't work as well as in Y) and pray for a swift leveling.

There are a lot of holes in the ground everywhere...I'm really afraid that I'm gonna drop somewhere and forget how the fuck to get out.

There's an underwater section, too? Jesus, this thing is extreme.

Hey, a Water Stone! Now I can evolve my Lotad!

That is...if I actually trained it to a place where I'd be comfortable with the moves Ludicolo would know.

No me gusta, dude.  Sorry.

And it looks like there's a hidden floor, but all the doors are locked.  This can't be it.  Let me check around again.

Hey, the captain's office...with one of Captain Stern's assistants looking for a scanner.  Okay, I knew there was a purpose to this whole thing.  Let's check this place out a little better--

Rain Dance and ICE BEAM, MOTHERFUCKERS! Now we're in business!

Okay, Storage Key reveals Room 3 Key, Room 3 Key reveals Room 1 Key, Room 1 Key reveals Room 4 Key, and Room 4 Key reveals the Room 2 Key, in which room lays the Scanner.

Now, let's just return this thing to Captain Stern.

Cool, and I got a Deepseascale for it...for, you know, when I decide to catch a Clamperl and evolve it--

Fuck it, this is useless to me.

Okay...I have no idea how to get to Ever Grande City and Victory Road, so I actually have to use a walkthrough at this point.  Sorry, but there's really nothing I can do at this point.

Oh...just Surf down and to the right from Mossdeep City?

Well, fuck.

How exactly did I miss ROute 128? How? Tell me how this is?

Also, there's way too much fucking water in Hoenn.  No matter...more routes means more trainers, more trainers means more experience for Wailmer, and the sooner he evolves, the sooner I can take on the Elite Four with Regice.

Hey, this looks like Victory Road! We're almost there guys! And Wailmer...

Get your shit together and evolve already.

Magneton, lvl 43

Blaziken, lvl 41

Tropius, lvl 39

Wailmer, lvl 36

Relicanth, lvl 34

Mightyena, lvl 23

Pokedex: 67, Badges: 8

Like A Camel Through The Eye Of A Needle

Goddamn it, I hate directional puzzles.  But no matter...we're here now and nothing can stop me.

Wait a minute...what's written on those stones?

...

...

...

...and no, this is not me being witty.  This is me asking myself, "Is this fucking Braille?!" Under what circumstances is a person literate in Braille playing a primarily-visual video game?! Answer me this, goddamn it!

GOOGLE! FIX THIS!

NO! I'M NOT LEARNING BRAILLE! CHEAT FOR ME!

Better! Okay, just bypass all that shit and use Dig at the top? Sounds easy enough.  Mightyena, stand at the ready--

Let's just check to see what else we need first...just in case.

Okay, more Braille in the next room...yadda yadda...first comes Wailord--

What?

I...

But...

WHAT?!

NO!

I...FUCKING WHAT?!?!

BUT WHY?! WHY DO YOU NEED THIS?! HOW DO I GET THIS?!

Oh good! I can catch a Wailmer outside of Pacifidlog Town and I can catch a Relicanth underwater right by Sootopolis City.  Not too bad.  Just gotta find them...

Alright, Wailmer...you're up first.

Just...

Just gotta remember how to fish--

Wow, you look stupid.  But you're Level 34, so that's good enough for me! I don't care about your stats, since I'm just using you to get better--

OH MY GOD YOU CAN BE MY WATER HM SLAVE! YAY! YOU HAVE SOLVED ALL MY PROBLEMS!

Wait...still need Relicanth.  Okay then, down we go.

Huh, I never noticed tall grass--tall kelp? Is it tall kelp when you're diving? I'm not entirely certain.  But I have no idea what kind of Pokemon could be down here--

...okay.

Kevin, you don't need it.  You don't need it...you just want it.  It will serve no purpose towards game completion and you'll probably find more in later games.  You don't need it.  Even if he is Level 30 and a single level gained will evolve him, you don't need it.

I am allowed my indulgences! This is my game, after all! Fuck you!

Lanturn, lvl 31

Gender: Male

Nature: Quiet

Ability: Illuminate

HP: 119

Attack: 49

Defense: 49

Special Attack: 63

Special Defense: 52

Speed: 45

Alright, we need to get back down to business.  Just gotta sift through all the Clamperls and--

FOUND ONE! GET OVER HERE!

Relicanth, lvl 34

Gender: Male

Nature: Bashful

Ability: Rock Head

HP: 118

Attack: 74

Defense: 101

Special Attack: 36

Special Defense: 51

Speed: 50

Now, there's just the matter of evolving my new Wailmer into a Wailord.  Since I can't readily access high-level Fire, Rock, or Ground-types at present, I'll have to do something a little more drastic.  You see, I found a Rare Candy while trying to find the Sealed Chamber, so all I need is to get it to at least Level 39 and boom...instant Wailord.  But seeing as how training will take a lot of time and I have Pokemon Y to consider...

And now, we wait.  I'll be taking a slight break from Emerald to focus more on Y and Iridescence, but not to worry...I only plan to step away from the game for about a week.  One level per day or so.  That should be plenty.  In the meantime...

Magneton, lvl 43

Blaziken, lvl 41

Tropius, lvl 39

Relicanth, lvl 34

Mightyena, lvl 23

Pokedex: 67, Badges: 8

Golem Catch'em All!

Yes, I know the title sucks.  So does your mother.  Dicks, that is.  She sucks dicks.  Your mother sucks dicks--

MOVING ON!

Okay...who should we hunt down first? I'd like to save Regice for last, so let's go for Registeel first.

But...however will I find them?

Hooray for the internet!

Hoenn Route 120...

That was here, right outside of Fortree City...

And the page says I need Flash to get there, so it looks like I'm tagging out Gyarados and tagging in Ninjask.

There we are! Let's see here...

Why isn't the door open? WHY ISN'T IT OPEN?!?! GOOGLE!!!!!

Okay...what must I do?

...I gotta find this fucking dive spot in between Pacifidlog Town and Slateport City and do Braille shit?! And I need someone with Dig?! Who the fuck knows Dig?!

Ninjask is tagged out, Tentacruel is tagged in for Dive...Slaking is tagged out, and Mightyena is tagged in for Dig.  Wow, haven't used him in a while.

Okay, first...we gotta find Pacifidlog Town.

This took me SO GODDAMNED LONG TO FIND! And what's here? Nothing.  I got the TM for Return and some talk about Rayquaza, the Regis, and something called Mirage Island, but nothing earth-shattering.  I guess I just gotta head west and find the patch of deep water in which to dive and access the Regi-cave.

Here we go!

Wait...I'm back in Slateport?! Fuck, I didn't even see it! There was so much strong current everywhere that I couldn't fucking navigate! Okay, no problem.  Let me just try this again--

Shit! Again! Okay...let's start on the very bottom and work our way up gradually.

...okay.  Fuck this.  CONSULTING THE EXPERTS!

Show me a map, goddamn it!

Okay, there's the fist segment of the path...Route 132.

And here's the next portion...Route 133.

And the last part, which is Route 134--

Wait!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? I HAVE A TWO-SQUARE WINDOW TO HIT THAT PATCH OF WATER?!?!?!

Fine.  You know what? I'm gonna spend the next century trying to thread this needle because I've got Pokemon Y sitting on my shelf and I can't devote 100% of my Poke-time to it until this shit is done!

TO THE EYE OF THE NEEDLE, LADS!

Magneton, lvl 43

Blaziken, lvl 41

Tropius, lvl 38

Machamp, lvl 35

Tentacruel, lvl 34

Mightyena, lvl 23

Pokedex: 63, Badges: 8