And We're Back To Square-One

The last gym is here in Sootopolis City, and now is the time for me to--

Oh, you crafty little prick.  I was not expecting a goddamned ice puzzle in a Water-type gym.  Regardless, I shall eventually get to you and challenge you.

Just...

Just give me a second...

Fuck! Okay, restart.

Go this way, then--

FUCK! Alright...one more try.

Whoo! Okay!

Sootopolis City Gym: Juan, the Once Gym-Leader, then Retired Gym-Leader, then Gym-Leader Again

By the way, you have to be in your forties or some shit and all your gym trainers are young girls.  This is some not-so-chill shit right here.

ROUND ONE:

Kevin's Magneton, lvl 37     vs.     Juan's Luvdisc, lvl 41

Luvdisc is apparently just-ever-so faster than Magneton, so he gets hit with Sweet Kiss and becomes confused.

Magneton, use Thunderbolt...on yourself? Confusion blows and he's down to 80/90 HP.

Water Pulse from the heart-fish and now he's down to 63/90.  Gotta shake this shit off, dude.

Thunderbolt K.O.  That's more like it!

A Whiscash is coming up? Shit...wait! Ah ha! Got the guy for you, motherfucker!

ROUND TWO:

Kevin's Tropius, lvl 35     vs.     Juan's Whiscash, lvl 41

Amnesia...is actually a pretty solid way to start this off, considering you're in a terrible position, Juan.

Sunny Day.  Let's get ready for the rape train.

Solarbeam immediately at the top of the next turn-cycle! Oh yeah!  About 66% of its health is gone.

Rain Dance...oh, fuck you! There's no stops on the rape train!! STOP PUTTING STOPS IN THE RAPE TRAIN!!!!

Water Pulse, and thankfully Tropius is still left with 96/119 HP.

Sunny Day...because fuck you, catfish.

Solarbeam knocks out Whiscash because apparently, weather alter priority somewhat? Who knows.  Not complaining--

Sealeo? Isn't that also an Ice-type? Yeah, I'm not gonna play around with that and an Grass/Flying Pokemon.  Swap out.

ROUND THREE:

Kevin's Magneton, lvl 37     vs.     Juan's Sealeo, lvl 43

Thunderbolt leaves Sealeo barely alive.

Water Pulse is pretty strong and takes Magneton down to 47/90.  I could take him out with a Spark at the top of the next turn, but Juan's gonna use a damned Hyper Potion and heal his seal.

Heal the seal.  I kinda like that.

Hyper Poition heals all the way, like I thought, but instead of cueing up Thunderbolt, I went a little more conservative with my choice of attack...

Spark takes Sealeo into deep yellow--and it's paralyzed?! Awesome! I don't have to waste a Thunderbolt PP now!

Spark again, and that's all she wrote.  Who's next?

ROUND FOUR:

Kevin's Magneton, lvl 37     vs.     Juan's Crawdaunt, lvl 43

Sunlight faded.  Good call not going to Tropius.  Solarbeam would have taken too long.

Thunderbolt did not take too much time, though, and it's out in one shot.

ROUND FIVE:

Kevin's Slaking, lvl 40     vs.     Juan's Kingdra, lvl 46

Okay, I had to go with Slaking here because I'm fairly certain this guy has an Ice-type move in its repertoire, so Tropius is out.  I'm dead certain he has a Water-type move, so Blaziken is out.  Finally, since he's also a Dragon-type, then that means Electric-type attacks won't do as much, so Magneton wouldn't be a first choice.  Slaking is a meat-tank, so let's hope the powerful attacks can break this thing down.

Double-Edge takes Kingdra down to deep yellow, and the recoil takes Slaking down to 148/182 HP.

Double Team form Kingdra...that's not going to be good if this fucker keeps doing that.  Two Double Teams for each Double-Edge is really too much of a gamble.

I'll use the loafing turn to use a Super Potion on Magneton, bringing him back to full health.

Kingdra uses Rest, is back to full health...and it eats a Chesto Berry to awaken? Oh crap...this is not going to be good.  Granted, it's awake, but now, this fucker doesn't need Hyper Potions at all.  If only there was a way that I could make him fall asleep without him healing--

Yawn bitch! Ha! I figured you might have had something like that and something to wake you back up! I've seen that shit in competitive play on Youtube! You can't pull the wool over my eyes that easily!

Ice Beam hits, down to 101/182--frozen?! That never happens! How the fuck am I frozen?! Come on! Now I gotta use a damn Ice Heal? Jesus...

Take the Ice Heal, Slaking.

Double Team again...and it falls asleep.  That's the second Double Team.

Still asleep...okay, let's see what I can do.

Double-Edge take him down to red, recoil takes Slaking down to 64/182.

Now, I'll use the Hyper Potion on Slaking to hit full HP--

Hyper Potion on Kingdra?! Come the fuck on! Full HP again...shit-dicks.

Double-Edge missed.  Of course...we got two Double Teams up and evading about.

Still asleep, thank god.

I don't have an item to use, so Slaking is loafing...and Kingdra is still asleep.

Double-Edge takes Kingdra back down to deep yellow, 146/182 HP after recoil.

Still asleep.  Okay...just give me one more turn after the loaf.

Loafing...loafing...loaf--

It woke up, used Rest, at full HP, and we're back to Square-One.

Still asleep...okay, c'mon big buddy...

Double-Edge hits hard again, it's down in the yellow deep yellow, and Slaking is left with 111/182 after recoil.

Loafing.  Come on...please?

It woke up, used Rest, at full HP, and we're back to Square-One.  Oh, the bullshit.

Double-Edge...missed?! How can you miss?! Don't you dare fucking Tom this shit...

Super Potion on Slaking for the loaf-turn, 161/182 health.

Kingdra is still asleep for two rounds...now...just do it, Slaking.

Double-Edge brings Kingdra down to almost dead.  So fucking close! 125/182 HP remaining on Slaking.

Loafing turn--

It woke up, used Rest, at full HP, and we're back to Square-One.  Fuck damn ass cocks.

Double-Edge missed again.  I can't...I can't even.

Okay...it's still sleeping.  Maybe I've got some time left.

We're loafing, they're sleeping.  Please give me a critical hit...

Not a critical Double-Edge, but we're back to deep yellow, and Slaking has just hit yellow with 89/182 HP after recoil.

It woke up, used Double Team, and now we're dealing with +3 levels of evasion.

That's it! Swap! Magneton time! I'm sick of waiting this shit!

Kevin's Magneton, lvl 38     vs.     Juan's Kingdra, lvl 46

Fall for it and Rest you bitch! Rest so that I can pummel you with lightning!

IT RESTED! BOOYAH! YOU DUMB TWAT!

Sleeping...oh, I'm slower? Well, shit.  Okay, let's work around that.

Thunderbolt missed.  I...shit.

Still sleeping.  Okay.  Come on, dude.  Don't take tactical advice from Slaking...

Thunderbolt hit but only 1/3 of Kingdra's health is gone.  Damn.

Kingdra woke up, use Water Pulse and landed a critical goddamn hit.  Not only does Magneton only have 8 HP left, but he's also confused.  I--

 

The bullshit is growing exponentially.

Thunderbolt hit finally, thank God.  Too bad it doesn't do that much, but it's still got only maybe 35% health left.  Meanwhile, Magneton is in need of some serious healing. Hyper Potion ahora! Full health.

Kingdra responds with Ice Beam and Magneton stands strong at 70/93.  It can easily take another attack from this--

FUCK YOU RESTING-ASS BITCH!!!!!

Magneton is confused, it hurt itself, and is down to 59/93.  GOD FUCK DICKS ASS COCKS!!!

I haven't been this fucking livid since--

Oh my god...it's happening again.  My Pokemon aren't strong enough to wipe this bastard out and this Kingdra keeps healing itself.  Not only does Kingdra only have a weakness to Dragon-type moves (and I have not a single Dragon-type Pokemon in my collection), but Rest can also cure status ailments! This could even be worse than Sabrina!

NO! I refuse to let this primped-up son of a bitch drive me into madness like Sabrina did.  Like Lance did.  Like Brawly did.  No...this shit ends here.  No rematches.  I am here to win.

Cue the goddamned music!

You want to go? I've got a plan, fucker.

Kevin's Machamp, lvl 35     vs.     Juan's Kingdra, lvl 46

Kingdra remains fast asleep for two turns.  Why do I let this shit happen? Because even though Machamp is eleven levels lower than Kingdra, he does full damage against it...

And Vital Throw never misses.  It just needs to go last.  1/5 of its health down.

It woke up.  Water Pulse with a critical hit.  Machamp has 2 HP left.  Not a good start.

Vital Throw hits again and leaves Kingdra with only half health.  I gotta heal this bastard now! Hyper Potion! Get back to full health--

Two Ice Beams in a row and Machamp falls.  Fuck.  Don't turn off that fucking music yet! I ain't done here!

ROUND SIX:

Kevin's Slaking, lvl 40     vs.     Juan's Kingdra, lvl 46

I still got Slaking on reserve, bitch.  Double-Edge!

Missed.

You had one job.  One.  Fucking.  Job.  Tom the Slaking.  So help me god, you're getting that nickname.  You're a constant fuck-up, but you've been reliable thus far--

Rest.  SHIT!!!! I hate this.

Slaking, take this Hyper Potion while it's still asleep and you're loafing about.  Now, don't--

You missed again! You missed a-fucking-gain! Why do I even?! What even are you?!

Still asleep? Good.  You know what? You're getting tagged out of here the second I can heal up Machamp.  Actually...

Revive on Machamp.  There we go--

Kingdra woke up and used Double Team.  That's +4 levels of evasion, if you've not been keeping track.  I have.

Yawn, fuck-nugget.  If you're gonna keep falling asleep, then you fall asleep on my terms!

Ice Beam slams Slaking and he's down to 129/182 HP.

I hope I timed this well enough to switch to Machamp and not die.

Kevin's Machamp, lvl 35     vs.     Juan's Kingdra, lvl 46

Double Team! It used Double Team then fell asleep! Oh, thank goodness, now I can actually use Machamp to--

Fuck...this thing is at max evasion.  Oh, this is gonna be a massacre.

It's still sleeping by the time Vital Throw lands and takes away 20% of Kingdra's health--

IT WOKE UP ALREADY?!?!?!?! NO! I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS!

The Ice Beam knocks Machamp down to only 4 HP.  Shit.  Gotta use the Hyper Potion now.

One more Ice Beam--

And he's frozen now.  Frozen.  53 HP, Frozen, and the rest of the team is poised to die.  This...hold it.  Maybe...Ice Heal?

Water Pulse is a knockout.  Okay, I need a new--

YOU KEEP THAT FUCKING MUSIC PLAYING! IF IT STOPPED, YOU REPLAY THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW!

Don't scroll up.  Here it is again.

ROUND SEVEN:

Kevin's Gyarados, lvl 33     vs.     Juan's Kingdra, lvl 46

This is a much different plan.  If I can keep hitting this thing with Dragon Rage, that should be good enough to take it out with consistent damage.

Ice Beam hits and leaves me with about half health.  Moment of truth, Gyarados--

Dragon Rage missed.

I...I can't even...

Slaking...don't you DARE fuck this up.  I'm having Ennio Morricone playing as the blog is being read, so you better pull through.

Kevin's Slaking, lvl 40     vs.     Juan's Kingdra, lvl 46

Ice Beam hits Slaking.  77/182 HP remaining.  The swap damage is dealt.

Kingdra is faster now, and now Water Pulse hits.  33/182 HP remaining.

Double-Edge missed.  You will persist.  You will make contact.

Hyper Potion given to Slaking.  Full health.

Water Pulse hits from Kingdra.  132/182 HP remaining.

Ice Beam follows.  79/182 HP remaining.

Double-Edge misses again.  I don't care how long this takes.  I have 30 Hyper Potions.  We will beat the odds just through sheer perseverance and will.

Hyper Potion back to full health.

Ice Beam hits first.  136/182 HP remaining.  Water Pulse second.  88/182 HP remaining.

Hyper Potion back to full health.  I need an opening to get an Ether or an Elixir in there to give Slaking more chances to hit--

Double Team again?! Why would you do that?!?! HOW did you do that?! If you weren't at max evasion before, you're sure there now, Kingdra.  But we will not stop.

Elixir to restore PP of all of Slaking's moves by 10.  Twelve more chances to hit.

Water Pulse hits.  136/182 HP remaining and he has to loaf about.

A second Water Pulse hits and now Slaking is down to 91/182 HP.

Slaking...if you hit once with Double-Edge, you can end this.  Focus.  Land it.  Land the Natural 20.  Smash this seahorse against the rocks.  Do it.

Do it.

FUCKING DO IT, YOU MISERABLE CUNT! YOU WERE MORE USEFUL TO ME AS A GODDAMNED VIGOROTH, YOU UNBELIEVABLE DISAPPOINTMENT!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! YES! DOUBLE-EDGE HITS AND KINGDRA'S FINALLY DOWN!

Oh my fucking God...I had to pull a Sabrina on Juan.  I simply had to outlive him and play the odds.

Yes, I now have the Rain Badge and TM 03 to teach my Pokemon Water Pulse, but that means I have all eight badges.

 Not just of the Kanto Region Pokemon League...

 Not just of the Johto Region Pokemon League...

But now, I have conquered the eight gyms of the Hoenn Region Pokemon League.  I am an experienced Pokemon trainer now, and I cannot afford to go into the Elite Four with such arrogant and hopeful tactics in mind.  I must train hard over the next few months to become the champion this region deserves.  Hell, I don't even have a legendary Pokemon yet from this region.  How can I expect to catch one, let alone them all, if I can barely scrape passed the last two gyms? No...I must be stronger.  I must do my research and develop the team I will need to take on the Elite Four and win.

But now that I can actually explore Sootopolis City, I'm gonna meander for a bit--

TM 31: Brick Break! Fuck yeah! Blaziken, where are you, you sexy bitch?! Put this inside of you!

Blaziken, lvl 40

Slaking, lvl 40

Magneton, lvl 38

Tropius, lvl 36

Machamp, lvl 35

Gyarados, lvl 33

Pokedex: 63, Badges: 8