You look fierce as hell, but your sauce is fucking weak. I don't know how the fuck I let this shit happen to you, but all you know is Cut, Rock Smash, Slack Off, and Yawn. For fuck's sake, you're terrible and I made you this way. You need to be fucking deadly and we both have to make that shit happen pronto. You get the Experience Share from here on out and we're gonna get you up to Slaking and fix your HM taint. Let's do this.
I have GOT to find a fucking move-deleter, but Christ, navigating Hoenn is like trying to find a crocodile's asshole: it's gonna take forever and something's gonna try to kill you before you reach your destination, so you'll have to leap way the fuck back to a safe distance to heal and collect yourself before trying again.
Like, I finally get out of that grass maze and the rain, passed MORE fucking Kecleon, and even one pinky-toe in the tall grass spurs on a battle. Also, all of the trainers. All of them.
Goddamn, there's nothing worse than a super-winding route that has no possibly faster way through it...except, of course, the path that some how manages to be slower while on a fucking bike. But I have to keep going--
Team Aqua! Well, I'll be damned; it's been a while. Still off to Mt. Pyre to deal with Team Magma, huh? Yeah, you go ahead and do your thing. It's not like I'm the protagonist or anything. Go the fuck on.
Wait...what is that building over there--?
...
...
...oh, HELL NO!
How fucking dare you? How DARE you?!?! I am so fucking close to a new city, and you're gonna throw me the most addictive money-sink in the goddamned franchise?!
FINE! I'M GOING ON SAFARI--!
I need a PokeBlock case? Oh shit, is that why I haven't been able to find the fucking berry-blenders this entire time? I needed one of those? Well, damn...looks like no Safari Zone for now. Thank God. Also, go fuck yourself.
GODDAMN IT WHERE IS LILYCOVE CITY?!?!?! So many trainers--
No...no, you're kidding me...
I have to fly all the way back to Fortree City to heal? I want to fucking die.
Well, it's about shitting time I got to this damned city. It better be worth it. Exploration time!
Okay, literally EVERYONE is talking about PokeBlock. I wonder if this is the place to get the case.
Naturally. It wouldn't be a Pokemon game unless the NPCs beat you over the fucking head with hints about the shit you needed to do in a given location. Apparently now, I get to crush berries into cubes that will make my Pokemon pretty? A-fucking-plus, GameFreak.
So this is a contest hall? Okay, I'll check this shit out later. I noticed something pretty big to the north and if it's a department store, I think I've found my new favorite city.
KNEW IT! DEPARTMENT STORE--!
Aww, shit. You know, I think I know why May is considered a rival in this game. Yes, she helps you by giving you awesome shit. Yes, she battles you only to help you grow stronger. However, there's this ingrained behavior that nearly every player has thanks to the first two generations: never back down from your rival. She makes you CHOOSE to fight her, and goddamn it, you think to yourself, "If I don't fight her, I don't know what I'll be missing out on." It's all a fucking psychological game and who was quickly becoming my in-game girlfriend is quickly becoming a meta-game twat. Let's just do this already so I can get inside the damned store.
ROUND ONE:
Kevin's Vigoroth, lvl 30 vs. May's Tropius, lvl 31
Vigoroth is not ready for any of this shit. Swap!
Kevin's Blaziken, lvl 39 vs. May's Tropius, lvl 31
Vigoroth is gonna get 75% of the experience from this fight, so whatever.
Sweet Scent? Now gonna help, stupid.
Blaze Kick. Do you even understand? Do you even? Nope. Get out. Done.
ROUND TWO:
Kevin's Vigoroth, lvl 30 vs. May's Marshtomp, lvl 34
How are you not Swampert? How are you not yet? This is sad. I feel sad at this. You should feel bad about yourself. Then again, Vigoroth isn't exactly a prize either, so Christ, this is gonna be terrible.
Yawn. Yeah, I sorta have to because I don't have a Grass-type with me. Had I known you were coming to play, I would have brought Tropius. But nope, now you have to take a nap soon.
Mud Shot knocks me down to 69/96 health--
Then a Take Down? Fuck, Mud Shot slowed me down. What a fucking blow-job. Not a good one, though. A bad blow-job. Like...from a polar bear.
Cut hits and takes away a quarter of Marshtomp's health. God, this is just...ugh...
You sleepin' now, so I get to Slack Off and health back up to 87 HP.
Keep sleepin', and the second Cut brings it down to 1/2 health.
Keep sleepin! Yeah! Now, I can--
Hyper Potion. I...I just...
Double Cut...and a critical hit! Boom! Know your place! You're done--!
Vigoroth is trying to learn Slash?! NO! GODDAMN IT, NO! I WANT IT, BUT I CAN'T GET IT! UGH! I NEEEEEEEEEEED THAT MOVE-DELETER, AND NOW I NEED A HEART-SCALE!
Fuckin'...gah.
ROUND THREE:
Kevin's Vigoroth, lvl 31 vs. May's Ludicolo, lvl 32
God, I wish I knew what was the best way to take this fucker down. Grass ain't so good, Electric ain't so good, and Flying is okay, but Jesus...I just want him to have a 4x weakness.
Growl? Great job, hombrero. If you don't know, that's a portmanteau of hombre and sombrero...hat-man--
Eat dicks, that was clever.
Yawn. This is just what I'm gonna do. Yawn and run...actually, I should use all these PP Ups that I've been hoarding on Yawn and Slack Off. That shit is useful.
Meanwhile, swap.
Kevin's Magneton, lvl 30 vs. May's Ludicolo, lvl 32
We're gonna have a showdown, hat-man. Get this shit in your head.
Nature Power turns into Swift and--
Okay...why is Nature Power always Swift? Where do you have to be for it to be anything else? An ocean? In a pool of lava? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!
Thunderbolt hits and takes away a third of Ludicolo's health, then it falls asleep. Great contributions, Vigoroth. You gonna be good.
Thunderboltin' all the way until fuck you. Bang, boom, Zigzagoon.
Yup.
ROUND FOUR:
Kevin's Vigoroth, lvl 31 vs. May's Slugma, lvl 32
Swappin' for the bait-and-switch.
Kevin's Pelipper, lvl 33 vs. May's Slugma, lvl 32
Harden.
Yep.
Surf.
You know how this ends.
Nothing? You've given me nothing other than access to the department store?
You...go home.
Blaziken, lvl 39
Graveler, lvl 33
Pelipper, lvl 33
Lairon, lvl 32
Vigoroth, lvl 31
Magneton, lvl 30
Pokedex: 52, Badges: 6
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