It's Like...The Game KNOWS!

Now, finally...after so long...my journey begins!

Alright, lead me into this motherfucker! Where's Professor Oak?!

Okay...so we're gonna start off with Professor Birch leading me in.  Alright, that's fair--

Hang on a fucking minute!

EXCUSE MEEEEEEEE?!? I'm sorry, but you best bet your sorry ass that if you asked anybody from Kanto or Johto, "Who would you call the 'Pokemon Professor'", they're gonna say Samuel goddamn Oak! You know what? Maybe since Hoenn is far the fuck away, maybe they don't know who Oak is...but so help me God, if I see Sam Oak in this game, I'm calling you out on your shit, Birch.

Okay...where am I?

I'm in...a truck? Like, the back of a moving truck?! Mom...excuse me...in what world is it safe to throw your ten year old son in the back of a moving truck with a lot of boxes that could legitimately fall on me and concuss the shit out of me?

You know what, though? This is appropriate.  I've spent the better portion of the last two months thinking my game was somewhere in the back of a UPS truck that fell into a black hole, so that's just great.  It's like...the game knows.

Also, the starter town is called "Littleroot"...as in Little-root...as in Kevin of Little-root...

It's like...the game knows!

Gotta set the clock now and all that bullshit--

Wait a minute...

Why are you letting these giant monster sloths handle our expensive kitchen appliances and dishware?! MOM! Real-talk now...you looked at this:

You looked at that, and you said, "No, it's fine...handle all of my breakable belongings."

Usually, I question the sanity of the Pokemon mothers who let their children run out into the world to fulfill a dream of training deadly animals for globally-sanctioned cock-fighting...but now, I just feel really guilty about leaving this clearly mentally-challenged woman home alone with giant razor-clawed sloths.

Let's visit Birch next door.

Okay...no Birch, so let's--

Woah...is-is this my rival in this game? She's...she's actually hot.  I mean, I don't immediately hate her, so that's pretty cool! Yeah! Hooray for lady-parts!

Alright, no Birch in his house, no Birch in his lab...gotta check the grass.  Professors always appear in tall grass.

...are you shitting me with this? A Pokemon Professor, regionally-renown, and a supposed specialist of Pokemon in the wild...can't handle a motherfucking Zigzagoon?!?!? IT'S A ZIGZAGOON! LOOK AT IT!

What the fuck's it gonna do? WHAT THE FUCK'S IT GONNA--?!?

...why is it looking at me like that? Oh, shit just got real! BATTLE TIME!

Okay...decisions, decisions.  Well, I really like Torchic, and yes, I do liek Mudkips, but I haven't chosen the Grass-type option yet, so...

...

...

...I'll pick Torchic, then.

Torchic, lvl 5

Gender: Male

Nature: Impish
Ability: Blaze

HP: 20

Attack: 11

Defense: 9

Special Attack: 10

Special Defense: 10

Speed: 10

Get ready, motherfuckers...I just whipped my cock out at a Zigzagoon.  This is gonna be a fun blog.

Torchic, lvl 5

(nobody fucking else because I don't get balls yet)

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