Let's see now...where the hell did that Aqua grunt get to--
There...there's something wrong with this bird. You know there is. Look at the damn sprite:
Twitchy-ass Taillow. Well, I remember something from GameGrumps that leads me to believe that a Fighting-type gym is coming up soon, and since I only have one Flying-type, it wouldn't hurt having this thing around just in case. Welcome aboard!
Taillow, lvl 8
Gender: Male
Nature: Rash
Ability: Guts
HP: 26
Attack: 13
Defense: 11
Special Attack: 12
Special Defense: 10
Speed: 19
Looks like the cave up there is the only place to go. Let's check it out and pray Zubats aren't every-fucking-where.
Hmm...no Zubats...
There you are, motherfucker! Gimme back that old man's Wingull! Gonna do this the hard way, huh?
Wait...is this the same guy? Is this the same fucking guy?? Dude...at least catch another Poochyena. This shit is sad.
What's up, Peeko? Let's get a move on. Your trainer is--
OH IT'S A PUMBLOOM!!!!!
Nope.
No.
Fucking no! It's called a goddamned Pumbloom!
Look!
Fuck you, I want it. It evolves into Gamsmash.
Gender: Female
Nature: Careful
Ability: Soundproof
HP: 27
Attack: 14
Defense: 8
Special Attack: 10
Special Defense: 11
Speed: 10
Just gotta fight my way back to the Pokemon Center now...
Wait...
Holy shit.
Holy shit! Torchic just hit level 16! It's time!
What is with these twitchin'-ass birds?! Chill the fuck out, dude. You're awesome. You know Focus Energy, Double Kick, Peck, and Ember. You are everything you need to be--WILL YOU SIT FUCKING STILL?!?!?
Combusken, lvl 16
HP: 47
Attack: 33
Defense: 29
Special Attack: 31
Special Defense: 24
Speed: 25
Now let's get this Wingull back where he--
Oh shit, I guess that's right. I did recover the stolen Devon Corp stuff.
Sweeeeeeet--
Oh, where are we going?
Devon Corporation HQ? Alright, why--?
I'm delivering a package for you now? I don't even know where the fuck Slateport City is! Why would I want to do this?
I get to meet the president?! ARTURO'S DADDY!
HI ARTURO'S DADDY! What can I do for you?
A letter to Steven? Sure I'll deliver that! You see, all you had to do is ask nicely...and hand me Great Balls. Just keep doing that shit and we'll be good friends--
Yeah! PokeNav! Now I got the Town Map, the phone, and some other shit! You see, that's what I'm talking about, Mr. Stone. Keep giving me shit.
Okay, now that that's all done, I can take this Wingull and--
Hey girl! I was--
Oh shit! No, don't tell me I have to battle you now. I was just on my way to the Pokemon Center before I saw you and thought you were just gonna throw some info at me. I wasn't expecting a rival fight--
Wait...you're...you're actually letting me choose whether or not I want to battle you now? I...I love you. Just for that, I'll battle you.
ROUND ONE:
Kevin's Ralts, lvl 8 vs. May's Torkoal, lvl 13
Shit, girl! Where the fuck did you get that?! That thing's fucking awesome--!
Uh oh...Ralts is really low on health and I was not expecting a battle just yet. Better do the old switcheroo...
Kevin's Wingull, lvl 10 vs. May's Torkoal, lvl 13
Guess that means smoke-turtle starts things off.
Curse? An interesting choice, but it's too bad that it won't help your Special Defense.
Water Gun chips away about 1/4 of Torkoal's health. This may be a tricky one...
Curse again? Okay, I understand what you're trying to do, but you only have so much time to try to pull it off.
Water Gun hits again and Torkoal now has less than half health.
Curse a third time? Really? Come on now, May. You're better than this...
Water Gun knocks Torkoal deep into the danger-zone. If she uses Curse one more time...
Smog...and oh, fuck it hurts! Wingull's down to 12 HP and he's poisoned! Shit! Okay I take it back. Well done. However...
Water Gun the fourth time is a knock-out. I'm not about to let Wingull pass out on me here, and if all you got left is Mudkip, I know exactly who to use.
ROUND TWO:
Kevin's Lotad, lvl 10 vs. May's Mudkip, lvl 15
Mudkip has the power, but Lotad has the type-advantage. This should be a good one.
Mudkip starts with Bide! Damn, I already cued up a physical attack!
Lotad uses Absorb, but it doesn't do much. This could be an issue if Bide turns out to be powerful.
He's still biding his time, so I'm gonna try to lessen the incoming blow with Growl. Hopefully, that will help.
Bide is unleashed and Lotad only has 14 HP left. I doubt Mudkip is going to use a Water-type attack against Lotad, since it won't do very much, so I better play it safe. Growl again!
Water Gun hits Lotad, but it's weak like I suspected. I gotta keep Lotad in this, though. I don't want to have to lean too heavily on Shroomish in the future.
Absorb hits and Mudkip is still in the green, but Lotad is healing.
Mudkip hits again with Water Gun. Does May think I would just start using Growl if she decided to try to use Bide? Because I would. Clever girl. I think she's gonna stick with Water Gun until Mudkip faints.
Absorb hits again and Mudkip is finally in the yellow--
Wait a minute! I just realized something! For every exchange of Water Gun and Absorb, Lotad ends the round with a net gain of one hit point!
It's in the bag, brother! Just take us home!
Water Gun again...Absorb takes Mudkip down to 1/4 health...Water Gun again...Absorb takes Mudkip down to the red and Lotad is back to half health...
And one more Water Gun! Fantastic!
One last Absorb and Mudkip is down for the count! Aww, yeah!
I gotta say, though, that was a really enjoyable fight for me. There aren't very many battles where I walk away from them thinking, "Wow, that was a great battle! You did really well, computer! That was fun!" It's usually either one-shotting something severely overpowered or being frustrated as shit. So, kudos to Emerald and kudos to May.
So, I gotta see Mr. Briney? Who the fuck--?
Oh him! I gotcha now! Right, I need to get to Dewford Town to deliver a letter. Start up the boat, old man. I got you your bird.
Alright...if you don't remember what this guy drives like, turn on the game and find this guy. You'll suddenly become painfully aware how fucking crazy this old man is. He sails like a goddamned lunatic and spends his days playing this weird cat-and-mouse grab-ass with his bird.
You know...maybe Team Aqua took Peeko away from him for a reason. I'm surprised Peeko isn't as twitchy as Combusken or Taillow.
...twitchin'-ass birds.
Combusken, lvl 16
Shroomish, lvl 12
Lotad, lvl 11
Wingull, lvl 11
Ralts, lvl 10
Slakoth, lvl 9
Pokedex: 10, Badges: 1
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